Ugh, you sound just like me when I first came onto Soberrecovery, in 2008. I was way in denial. I flip flopped back and forth btwn denial and awareness for 3.5 yrs, off and on with my exabf.
We would break up (usu over drinking, or him doing drugs)-he'd come back a couple months later with promises. But no plan of recovery. I think ONCE he admitted he had a drinking problem, but then it was near July 4th and he decided he'd rather go to the bar with his friends than work on his problem.
This as incessant. In the meantime, I dealt with several traumatic, violent drunken incidences. He too is a binge drinker. I hate it, because it allows him to deny his problem. He can say "I havent lost my job; I don't drink much during the week" and rationalize it away.
I'd say 99% of the time, you ask an active alcohoic who's not in recovery, "are you an alcoholic??" They're gonna say no. And you may end up being the only one who recognizes that he is and be alone in the wilderness while his parents, and his friends enable him.
It is a dark and painful road.
BTW check out the sticky "Do You Need al-anon". I bet you could answer yes to a lot of those questions. Whether you decide to stay or walk, al-anon can help you. I HAD to walk-my ex put a gun in his mouth and threatened suicide. And al-anon is helping me. Good luck!
Originally Posted by
SoCalPauly 
Thanks for the encouraging words.
I guess MY biggest problem is that I don't want to believe he has a problem either. When I see it happening, I tell him I'm disappointed, but then I just walk away - and when he's drunk, he is usually very happy and affectionate and loving and laughing, so I try to convince myself that maybe it's not so bad. But at the end, I know he has a problem and I know there is nothing good about it.
I just don't understand why he can't see it. I've tried to explain it to him but I feel like he just tunes me out. He says he understands but then just repeats the behavior. He always uses the "but I don't drink during the week" arguement and that just doesn't cut it anymore with me. Sometimes I think it's my fault and I enable his bad behavior, not just with the drinking but everything. I think I might "mother" him a bit. I tell him to put his clothes away, but after a week of them just sitting on the floor, I do it for him. When he can't pay one of his bills after spending his money on things for himself, I just figure out a way to pay the bill myself. When I ask him to be responsible about anything, he still does what he wants to do and I just forgive him and figure out how to handle things by myself. It's the same with the alcohol. I feel stupid and ashamed for not being stronger, but I tell myself that I love him and that's what you do for the people you love. I don't think he means to take advantage of me, but I make it soooo easy for him.
I guess maybe I do need to work on myself - work on standing up for myself and actually let him feel the consequences of his actions.