Had a short run-in with the RAH last night...he came by when I was out and left a load of stuff in my garage from his house. He did call first and left a voicemail...that wasn't the issue. The issue was that it triggered me... and the things he brought over were small things...miscellaneous stuff from the closets and girls' bathroom. Like he's sweeping through the house gathering every single freakin' item and throwing it in a box. I had already told him once it bothered me a little and I would finish this weekend (have a very busy work week and have to travel tomorrow and Friday).
The thing is - there has been a feeling of awkwardness and distance between us since we went on a "date" Saturday - which was actually a lot of fun! I feel it, and I am through not trusting my intuition here. I know when something isn't right. He also snapped at me yesterday morning when I swung by his house to pick up the last of my shoes on my way to work (I am trying to get my stuff outta there!). I said on the phone last night that something didn't feel right between us and he EXPLODED and said "
NOTHING IS RIGHT HERE!!!" and proceeded to start telling me off...I ended up hanging up mid-rant.
But what I did hear was these two things:
1. He is NOT RESPONSIBLE for my feelings.
2. He does NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS.
It took me back to the old pattern...Tuffgirl can only have one emotion -
happy - and everything else is wrong and not his responsibility. Tuffgirl is not allowed to ask him about his feelings (take the temperature, so to speak) nor share her own feelings unless they are
happy. He can be a remote, distant, jerkface and he is not responsible for the consequences therein. Tuffgirl's feelings are a manipulation, beware!
I remember, especially toward the end of living with him, trying so hard to control everything (me, the girls, life, the dogs, and so on) in order for things to be
happy and nothing else. I was exhausted by trying to be a robot and stuff my feelings, unless they were
happy. I am tired of only being allowed to feel
happy around him, and don't ever want to hear him say again that he "only wants to make me
happy".
As a matter of fact,
happy has lately really made me feel
crappy!
So anyway, I did hang up on him because I refuse to subject myself to these attacks anymore. I was attempting to communicate with him and he got instantly defensive (as usual). Hanging up wasn't the most mature way of handling the run-in, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise so it seemed like the only way to back out of that.
It's been close to 6 months sober for him. When do the 12 steps kick in? Sheesh - another reminder of just how angry this man is, just under the surface. I know what he is telling me is a warped version of what he gets at AA. "Not responsible for your feelings" is NOT PERMISSION TO ACT AS YOU PLEASE AND DISREGARD OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS! DO they ever get that?!
