sandrawg- yes it is amazing isn't it-- sadly so true. my therapist told me when i first started seeing him last year (and i could not see this at all at the time though i believed him that it was true) that we tend to marry people who we think or want can fulfill some need that wasn't met as a kid... we want a 2nd chance to get that missing "stuff" for ourselves so many people choose someone with the same characteristics as the parent who didn't give us what we needed bc we hope this time around the experience will be different...
of course none of this is conscious at the time but it does make so much sense...
i strove to be a perfect kid and hoped if i could "figure out" how to be whatever my mother wanted that she'd love me. of course, she never did. and then i married someone who i wanted to "save" to prove my worth to him and i have spent 8 yrs trying to turn myself into what he wanted hoping once more that that would be the "key" to him loving me...
better late than never that i finally figured out the only one i need to care about loving me is me. it sure would be nice if AH did and my mother had in the way a mother ought to love her kids, but i can't force either of them to be anything other than what they are. it's sad and i still long for that love that i searched for for so long from others, but i'm thinking more and more lately that it's not love from others that should make me feel good-- it should enhance what i already feel good about and filling the "feeling good about myself" void is where i needed to start all along..