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Old 05-03-2011, 02:55 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
sandrawg
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Sounds like you have your priorities straight.

It's amazing isn't it, how so many of us replicate what we knew from childhood in our romantic relationships?

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I think what sucks the most is that I grew up with a parent like AH. My mom wasn't an A but her behavior was identical.

She broke promises with wild abandon and I grew up having learned the following beliefs from a very young age:

- I wasn't worthy or her keeping her promise
- Hide hurt and disappointment
- If I couldn't hide it (I never was good at faking it) I'd be told what I already believed: that it was my fault
- I felt afraid, unloved, didn't know why she didn't love me, I clung to her even though she was abusive bc I thought she'd change and thought if I changed enough it would change her.
- I'd stand at the window worried sick that she might be in an accident or dead or hurt... I think now that I thought those things when she disappeared bc that allowed me to feel "compassion" for her instead of anger and fear at being left.

And all of this from broken promises, being let down constantly, unpredictability...

I have no magic solution to keep my kids from developing these beliefs and I am distraught that I can't protect them fully from being hurt by him.

I have decided to be very honest with them and let them know that the confusion confuses me too and let them know that their feelings about being let down are normal.

For a long time I tried to distract or make up a nice sounding reason for his absence and I think that is unwise so I'm done.

I won't vilify him but I won't protect him anymore either. The only people who deserve protection are my kids, and myself.
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