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Originally Posted by
confusedandsad 
so its been like a month..my husband has stopped drinking, he deleted his facebook (which he was using to hit on other women), i check his phone regularly and nothings been on there (other then messages to friends saying "no man i cant i quit drinking.", "i dont think its appropriate for us to talk anymore" etc.). this is great! really thats what i wanted to happen. he's going to therapy too. wonderful!
I am a recovering 'check his phone, check the bank account, check his car etc... for evidence of his drinking/lying/cheating etc... All I can tell you is this: the more I focussed on re-assuring myself that he really WAS changing, the less able I was to function when he inevitably continued to act as alcoholics act before they are fully in recovery.
You sound like you want to believe "this is it" and he's really going to take this seriously and want to have hope. I've been there-- boy have I.
When he relapses (either by drinking, texting, lying etc... relapsing in my estimation is not about drinking-- it's the thinking and behaviors that happen
long before the drinking occurs), you're probably going to feel devastated bc you are focussing so much (understandably-- it's what we do after being with an alcoholic for so long) on him and attaching your life's happiness on him changing.
I did this too-- a lot-- for a LONG time. I still am miserable that I have had to give up on the idea of what my marriage was going to be and accept that since I can't accept AH as he is right now, that my only choice is to leave.
I wanted my AH to care enough about me, as you describe too, to want to get help, to want to change... As hard as it is to comprehend (I still have to wrap my head fully around this), for as long as there is active addiction (in thinking, behaving or drinking) he can't care about anyone or anything but his addiction and himself. He may love you immensely, but the addiction has a stronger hold on him.
I felt like you that because I couldn't trust him I needed to check up on him to see if he was being honest. All that did was probably encourage him to find new and better ways to be deceitful. My checking up on him did not help me trust him more-- it just made me crazy, obsessed and angrier about the fact that he'd lied so much and so often... Does checking his phone really make you feel better? I know for me it created anxiety for me-- I wondered what I might find and when I found nothing I wanted to be relieved but I never did-- probably bc I knew deep down that he was still being deceitful, just in ways I hadn't figured out yet.
...he thinks it does fix everything.... he hasnt changed to way he treats me, he hasnt started helping around the house, he still doesnt communicate well with me. but he thinks i should be happy now. "everythings fine now. im different now..stop worrying about the past. you should be happy."
That's not someone who is in recovery or being honest in any way. That's called "I want a medal for not drinking and everyone better tell me how great I am and make me feel good about myself". Maybe he's sober but that's not anything if he still behaves as he did when he was drinking. I thought that when my AH stopped drinking that was going to be the solution. It definitely wasn't.
Whaaaa? stop worry about the sexting goin on 4 weeks ago?! stop worrying about the bills we are still behind on thanks to you?! stop being heartbroken about something that happend a WHOLE MONTH ago?!
Your feelings don't matter (to him). He wants to put the past away, continue to act the same and continue to be "forgiven". Alcoholics don't like to be held accountable for their behavior so the easiest way to avoid looking at himself is to tell you that you're unreasonable and need to "move on" and forget about the past. You're not wrong for being hurt still. But talking to him about your hurt and expecting him to care is not going to result in what you hope it will for as long as he's active in his addiction.
He's insane. he doesn't want to talk about the past at all ever...well how are we supposed to work these issues out if you wont talk about it, or basically pretend it never happend.
"pretend it never happened" is my AH's life motto... He's not insane- he's an alcoholic and that's what they do. Doesn't excuse the crappy behavior or make it okay. But knowing that might help a bit to help you know it's not about you even though he will try valiantly to make you think it is.
i want him to fight for me...but i guess he just doesn't care enough to do that.
He probably doesn't have the ability to do that right now... It's not because of you. It's because he's an alcoholic and one who doesn't want to change. You can't do anything about that (but it took me several years of trying before I figured that out). What you can do is find a way to enjoy your life separate from his. I'm still trying to get to the "enjoy everyday" part of that equation but when I take it day by day I can find times each day that I enjoy and I am letting myself be okay with being sad when I am...
I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's painful and confusing to live with and love an alcoholic and I would not wish it on anyone...