duqld- I can't tell you how much that's useful for making the feelings feel better but I can tell you that I know how you feel. What you describe is what I am feeling a lot lately. Not lying to myself anymore is =ing feeling a LOT. I'm not giving in to it and getting sucked back in but boy does it hurt- a lot. All of what you describe really resonated with me. I don't understand why it has to hurt so much and I am trying not to analyze to death what I feel. I am just being honest about how I feel when I feel it and trusting that how this feels must be better than continuing to live with the craziness of alcoholism. Right now that's the mantra I am telling myself. Somedays it's more effective than others... Hang in there... I suspect there are a lot of us around here who either have been or are experiencing very much what you describe. Thinking of you...
I know intellectually he is with her because she parties with him and has no problem with any self-destructive activity he wants to engage in. This does not make it hurt any less.
This above is so so true. Instead of being annoyed with myself for feeling upset when I feel it, I just tell myself that intellectually I 'get' that what I am doing is the right thing to do and that it is also okay that it doesn't FEEL great. It is what it is. It doesn't have to impact how I act (in terms of whether I stay with AH or not). When I am able to stop beating myself up for feeling upset despite "knowing better" (not always able to do that) it lessens the hurt by a lot.
Originally Posted by
duqld1717 
I have been experiencing this a lot lately. It is amazing the clarity and vision that comes when you are completely removed from an abusive situation. You look back and you think someone cared about you but how could they have cared and done such tramatic things to you at the same time? The hard truth that I'm realizing now is that he never cared. I was merely an accessory in his life so he could avoid hitting bottom and that hurts bc I had real feelings. Everything I brushed under the rug is surfacing in a BIG way and it feels horrible. I am seeing a T and going to al anon but when I'm not doing those things, I am suffering having thoughts of what was done to me constantly haunt me. I try to keep busy but thoughts still creep in. It really is a miserable way to live. I even have nightmares sometimes re-living certain traumatic situations! It just never goes away. I am trying to see the good in life and be thankful that I got out of that relationship and I don't miss him I'm just so broken over what was was done to me. I guess where I am right now you could call it picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess that was made. Not easy and not fun but that's where I am right now. Support and kind wordswould do me some good right now
Thanks for letting me share.