I am with you. On Valentine's Day, my exabf sent me all these loving emails, including a "ransom paste" card that said "I won't tell you this but I love you so f'ing much", and a letter about how he wanted to lock away the mean person that caused me so much pain and heartache (that mean person when he was drunk)...
In mid-March I told him he'd have to stop drinking or I walk. He let me walk. And what I didn't know is that by that time, he'd already started recycling an ex that caused problems between us before. She was his backup-a real loser pot addict. I know intellectually he is with her because she parties with him and has no problem with any self-destructive activity he wants to engage in. This does not make it hurt any less.
ON top of everything, when I found this out I made the mistake of contacting him and all I got were more games, lies, and denial.
I have been struggling with the same feelings as you - feeling like he never loved me. Going back to the abusive situations I got myself in. Feeling totally used. I have so much hurt, anger and yes, sometimes I hate him. I really would like to move from hate and anger to indifference, but I'm not there yet. I am still fighting the desire to print out the Valentine's day messages, rip them up and send them to him.
I don't know what to tell you other than, keep doing therapy. Keep going to al-anon. Read books. Try to distract yourself. I know it hurts worse than anything you've ever felt. You are probably gonna need to cry. I cry a lot! Let it out-don't stuff it inside. We're just doing the best we can.
Originally Posted by
duqld1717 
I have been experiencing this a lot lately. It is amazing the clarity and vision that comes when you are completely removed from an abusive situation. You look back and you think someone cared about you but how could they have cared and done such tramatic things to you at the same time? The hard truth that I'm realizing now is that he never cared. I was merely an accessory in his life so he could avoid hitting bottom and that hurts bc I had real feelings. Everything I brushed under the rug is surfacing in a BIG way and it feels horrible. I am seeing a T and going to al anon but when I'm not doing those things, I am suffering having thoughts of what was done to me constantly haunt me. I try to keep busy but thoughts still creep in. It really is a miserable way to live. I even have nightmares sometimes re-living certain traumatic situations! It just never goes away. I am trying to see the good in life and be thankful that I got out of that relationship and I don't miss him I'm just so broken over what was was done to me. I guess where I am right now you could call it picking up the pieces and cleaning up the mess that was made. Not easy and not fun but that's where I am right now. Support and kind wordswould do me some good right now
Thanks for letting me share.