I just found a letter from about 5 yrs ago from AH quite by accident and it opened my eyes to a lot that I've either denied or been blind to or both and I just feel really really sad at the moment....
I was cleaning out my attic and found a box of cards, momentos etc... from D5's 1st year of life. I brought it down and "rewarded" myself for all the organizing I did today by sitting and reading through it.
In it I found a few cards/letters from AH that he must have given me that yr as well and that made it into the box.
I read one, just one, letter and I'm embarrassed to admit (but am doing so in hopes it takes away some of the power I am letting this have over me) that I sat here and had a good cry for a bit after doing so.
The letter, from 2005 or early 2006 is all about some event (I don't remember the details) during which he got very drunk, embarrassed me, himself, my family and he's apologetic and talking about how he knows he needs to drink more moderately and how he doesn't want to become his father and how he will never do this again. He tells me that he hates seeing how detached (actually used that word) I appear and that I look at our D as if it's just she and I.
WHY DIDN'T I SEE THE SIGNS THEN AND GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE??!??!?!?!
Clearly HE saw the signs. I'd like to say I was in denial but I think I was just totally unaware of what alcoholism looked like and chalked it up to a random getting a bit too drunk episode.
His letter is so apologetic and ashamed and talks about how he doesn't expect me to forgive and will I please give him another chance and that this will be the last time he ever does whatever it is he did.
It's sad that these episodes (he got drunk and acted like a fool and embarrassed himself and me) happened so many more times over the past 4-5 yrs that I don't have a clue what this specific incident involved. And it really doesn't matter I guess.
I would not trade having D3 and D5 for anything in the world and if I'd left when D5 was a baby I would not have D3. But knowing what I know now and reading that letter-- wow-- I wish I'd known about al anon back then and wish I'd made very different choices.
It's just a real wake up call to see that this cycle has been going on for years and years. Sometimes, even now, I try and tell myself it's been bad only for the past year or so... But that's a lie. I've been aware and not in denial about how bad it's been for the past yr. but clearly it's been bad for a long time.
I threw away the rest of the letters/cards from him without looking at them. I probably should have done that with this one too-- lesson learned.
I feel a combination of both of these emoticons below (the annoyed one is toward myself fyi!)
