Growing up in an alcoholic home, I can say that the alcohol was definitely NOT the biggest problem for me as a child. My dad was a binge drinker and did most of his drinking AWAY from home. He would disappear for days or weeks at a time. Those times were the most awful. Not so much because he was gone, but because my mother would be unavailable too. She was obsessed, angry, sad, distracted, short with us, etc. When dad would come home, things were better. Mom would calm down.
Now that my kids are older, we've discussed some of these things from their childhood. And I find the same patterns apply. The most upsetting things they remember have to do with ME, not their alcoholic father. Me being angry for no reason (in their eyes), me being distant, depressed, or whatever. They didn't connect my anxiety and mood swings with their father's drinking (and why would they?). I was not a good mom when I was consumed with their father's alcoholism. That is the hardest thing to come to terms with, to this day.
L