Tough nite Shell, and I'm sorry for that.
I wish this part of it were easier, but you are on the cusp of big decisions and when those come along, it's just uphill all the way. You gotta dig deep and find your way one step at a time. You're committed to doing that and that's all anyone, even yourself, can ask of you.
As for playing snoopdog, well validating our feelings and intuition on our own takes time and practice. Sometimes, we still just need that proof to honor what our gut is telling us. So that's what you got.
Of course, you ask the right question, "now what?" Time to hold true to the consequences of this discovery and that's easier said than done. Been there, too. It blows.
My consequence was that I would leave him entirely if I could not sustain healthy boundaries and stay happy in the relationship as a recovering codependent living with a very active alcoholic. I just couldn't make that leap. I kept plotting and planning, saving money, making arrangements. Took 7 mos into recovery to get a plan to leave, but the plan wouldn't come to fruition for 4 mos.
Well, I forgot that "we make plans, and God laughs."
I got a big push from my HP and had 3 weeks to leave the house we were in, find a place for us and all the pets and horses to live, and somehow pull his addiction out of a nosedive long enough to do it and secure he'd have a job when we got to wherever we were going. I realized I could manage the move and the housing, but not salvaging him. Not again. While I packed and planned a place for me to live with the pets and horses. He spiraled deeper into his binging. I went one way, he went another. Shortly after that, I dropped him from my accounts and cut off all contact.
Since then, I have gotten better about seeing consequences of my decisions and accepting them sooner.
We're all a work in progress, Shell. Keep telling yourself that. You don't have to do it all now. Just take a step towards it all each day.
You're gonna be okay. We're here. We've walked the path. We made it and you will too.
Alice