[QUOTE=lillamy;2951003]
The important thing is that you're taking big strides ahead.
I can very much relate to your "how could I be stupid enough to find myself married to an abusive alcoholic?" self-beating -- I've done it, too. It's been humbling to see how much I've learned in the process, and how judgmental I used to be about women in abusive situations who didn't leave.
As a young recent college grad a million years ago (okay maybe not a million) I definitely thought it was a lot simpler to leave than it is and while I don't think I judged the women I worked with I may well have in their eyes. And yes, like you I have learned the hard way how much more complicated it is now that I've found myself in it myself.
You were disappointed by the man you married. I bet it wasn't the first time you were disappointed in another human being. Or the last time.
Very good point... I get into trouble (I realized this reading your post-- thank you soooo much for it!) bc I try my best (to the detriment of myself and my kids in the past) to never disappoint anyone (especially those who treat me like crap) and bc I expect myself to sacrifice and be perfect (which I know I am not) I get disappointed when others don't do the same. That's pretty sick isn't it?!
The thing that helps me when I get to where people don't live up to my expectations is going back to Step 1. And not only admit that I am powerless over alcohol, but also over other people.
Wow. That is huge!!!!! I didn't realize that I ought to be applying step 1 not just to not being powerless over alcohol and what AH does, but over all of life... This is huge for me. Thank you for sharing this...
It is easy for me when I get into a situation (Al-Anon, SR, new counselor, good group of friends, new man) to put too much stock in them. I want them to be for me exactly what I want them to be at every turn. Because when I'm in this place of emotional pain, I just want the pain to go away. And anyone who doesn't behave like I want them to behave contributes to the pain instead of making it go away.
I think you just described precisely what I feel and didn't really realize I felt. This is it, to a t. You ought to go write books-- you just opened my eyes in a huge way. Thank you.
People have come out of the woodwork to support me on my journey. Sometimes they've hurt me and it's been necessary, sometimes they've hurt me and it hasn't. Either way, it's my journey and while I am always grateful from the bottom of my heart for all the support I receive, at the end of the day, I can't expect anything from anyone. I have to do the grueling work on my own. I have the choice who I hang out with (and from time to time, I do shut people out when they don't contribute in a way that's constructive) and I have the choice what I take away from what people say to me.
That makes PERFECT sense (above) and is what I have tried to do in this early recovery process of mine and obviously have hit some bumps lately. I am going to email this whole post to myself to remind myself of your wisdom.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honest, direct and respectful post. I appreciate being asked tough questions and appreciate you sharing what you offered bc I did not realize just how very much what you described/shared is precisely what I've been feeling/expecting etc...
You're brilliant!