Originally Posted by
Thumper 
My husband was mostly a benign, buzzed, unengaged tired (ie passed out very early) parent that was sometimes fun and usually a bit neglectful but not in a way a young child would notice. I was a frazzled, unhappy, crabby, rigid, worried, beyond stressed, rule maker and so any bad things they got from our dynamic mostly came from me.
I offered security, health, love, dependability etc but again - small children do not see that. They just care how the evening went. I'm so upset about it now but I can't go back and undo it. One of my kids will never let me forget it either because he is basically a small, angry, rigid, unhappy boy version of the mother I was for such a long time.
Thumper, this is me and my son. He is now 6, and it scares me how much of myself he reflects back to me. In the past, it has been a burden almost too much to bear. I recently received a lot of hope at a meeting. In our reading, it said that "Victims create more victims. Recovery creates more recovery". Me and my kids are in recovery. They come to meetings with me and get to feel the love and support my Al-Anon family give us. They get to see me practicing recovery tools...
Also, I have to add that my children gave me the strength to leave a very verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. The fact that my son was colicky, difficult even as an infant tells me that he KNEW something was wrong from the very beginning.
One day, my friend asked me if I was okay. All i could say for myself was, "Well, I don't know, I can't figure anything out, blah blah blah". Then she asked me if my kids were okay. I realized then that NO, they were NOT okay. Crying, hitting, screaming, constant tantrums. It was a life of total chaos, terror, anger, isolation, and fear. I realized then that I had to leave for my kids. I had been sitting at my bottom for quite some time. There was no more questioning or doubt. My kids did not deserve a life that looked like that. They deserved much much better. And I eventually came to realize that I did, as well.
As hard as it is to accept that my son has taken on so many of my negative behaviors, I feel that it was part of his purpose in coming to me. To help wake me up! And now, I am getting better, and he is, too. I will not berate myself about what is past, and what his perceptions of the world are. I am here to take care of myself, take care of my kids, and be the best mom and role model I can be with who I am TODAY.
Shellcrusher, I relate to the empath situation and how difficult it can be to separate my feelings from what others are throwing at me. Al-Anon really helps me see what is mine, and what is someone else's. I also met a healer and she gave me a piece of black tourmaline that helps to block other's energy from interfering with mine. It worked. That piece of rock is always a good reminder to me to be aware of what I am feeling and not take on others' pain/joy/anxiety/etc...
Also, I am into astrology and I am a cancer/cancer moon/scorpio rising. My father is a cancer/cancer moon and ACOA. My son is a cancer/scorpio moon/scorpio rising. He also has the same birthday as his other grandfather. There is a LOT of emotional reflecting/needy/clinginess going on here! Lots of emotional intensity all the time. So yes, I believe the empath thing is passed on. In my case, I see it through astrology.
Thanks for listening. Hope there was something useful in there.