...the first is that good on you for acknowledging that it is best to not have expectations-- at all. What is going to happen will happen.
Secondly, just a note that it is my personal belief that if you and your wife don't both put as your first priority your recovery (AA for her and Alanon for you, or some other program and/or counseling) I don't see how you will survive as a couple, and I also don't see your kids getting the best of either one of you.
I've said it many, many times, and I think I said it in this thread if I remember correctly, our priorities go in this order: AA and Alanon, our daughter, then our relationship. The thing is, since we have prioritized AA and Alanon the rest seems to take care of itself.
Cyranoak
P.s. We still argue and things aren't perfect, but we do it 12-Step style and as two sober human beings who love each other.
Originally Posted by
Jeep08 
Thanks for the comparison. Every comment makes me think my way through this maze and with those thoughts I move forward.
This is where the fine line of detachment is hard to walk. My wife will be living with us when she returns. We share and co parent three children. Total detachment is not going to be the reality nor is it my goal. Detachment from the symptoms of her drinking is the goal. Her being sober is a boundary I have set for the interaction and the effort to take place. The two things don’t mesh well together and are hard to balance but we do our best.
I have established some aspects of my life that are not conditional on her behavior. first, the kids and I have taken up karate. This is something the three kids and I do together. If my wife wanted to join us she could but her actions do not effect if we go to class or not. I do not need her to babysit so I can go. The kids like it and come with me. I enjoy the classes and the exercise a great deal. Second, I have booked summer vacation for the kids and I. We will not exclude my wife she is welcome to join us and we hope she does for part of it. She has given up most of her vacation as part of her rehab program. We hope she can come for as much of the trip as she can get time off for but our trip is not conditional on her. The kids change the equation and how I can practice detachment to a great extent. Before my wife went to rehab one of the ways I felt controlled and manipulated by her drinking was that I was not free to do things I wanted to as I was not always comfortable with her having the kids alone for the fear she would start drinking or had been drinking. This was not all the time but on some specific occasions, I felt trapped that way. Her efforts toward treatment and my existing love for her also effects that we truly want her as part of our lives. The sobriety is a boundary that she is sober protects us form the symptoms and I do not see it as an attachment. Having the few things above that are not dependant on her or her actions have given me renewed strength.
What I was trying to indicate is the idea of detachment can take other forms. Im my case I am trying to detach the anger I have toward the past actions of an alcoholic as symptoms of the illness and separate them from the person suffering from alcoholism that I am trying to move forward with and build something. Sobriety is the boundary set that allows me to consider making that effort.
Thanks for letting me ramble. It helps the thought process to write it out. Keep challenging me it makes me think harder about it.