[QUOTE]
Originally Posted by
stella27 
My experience in a nutshell:
Even after he didn't live there, he would come over to "babysit", but then call me and harass me when I wasn't home in time for him to go out with his friends even though he didn't tell me he had plans. The last time he did this, he became obnoxious and argumentative with me, and I said "you have to go." Just like that. He was surprised and kept trying to argue because that was our game, but I said "you have to go now."
And he did. And I realized that no amount of childcare, transportation, facilitating a relationship between him and the children could make up for what him being in my house did to me emotionally.
It kept me in the drama, the arguments, the blaming, the bad moods, the selfishness.
My telling him how it was going to be "don't talk to me that way" or saying "now do you see why I can't be married to you" doesn't work. It keeps YOU from being able to move past it.
You don't see it that way because you are still in it. Whether you're handling it differently, whether you are standing up for yourself, whether your children see you standing up for yourself (what they see is fighting and conflict, because of their ages. They don't understand that you aren't taking it anymore.)
* I have tried very hard and been successful at not arguing with him in front of or around the girls. For the vast majority of the time his "being at the house" amounts to his sleeping on the couch. When he comes to see the girls around dinner time I have removed myself from the room and just do my own thing. When he tries to be snippy (with the exception of Saturday) I just ignore him and if the vibe of the house sucks bc of him the girls and I go have a fun day elsewhere. I know that being around fighting is bad for them and I know there is unnecessary tension bc he is around. I am reconsidering the arrangement that he sleep here for the reasons you describe. His parents are willing pay for him to live somewhere else and I'd been hesistant to say go for it bc I felt that money was better spent on school for the girls since they won't be able to stay at their current school if I don't find a job around here that pays what I had been making. But maybe it's better that they not have school and instead have a stress free home? I also worry that his living elsewhere ='s him taking the girls there unsupervised and I am terrified of that. It's a balancing act of what's worse right now since none of the immediate options (without a court mandate that he has supervised visitation) seem like ideal ones.
Your inviting him into your life is (likely) what is frustrating to the posters on this thread.
I can see that-- but I don't see that I have invited him to be in our lives. The issue is that I don't have the right to ban him from the girls lives- at least not until a court says I do. I have nothing legally binding saying he can't be a part of their lives and given the choice of his being in their lives without me around or with me around, the safest option for THEM is the with me around one.
No one should act abusive or bullying toward you. The best thing to do with your H is to get him out of your house asap. The best thing to do on the board is not engage when you feel baited.
You're right on both counts...
Sorry if this is off-base. It is offered from the position of btdt.
It's not off base at all and I appreciate your direct thoughts offered in a kind way. Thank you. I appreciate your sharing your story too and my jaw kind of hit the ground when you mentioned the surgery issue. My AH missed our D3's surgery this Fall bc he was drunk the night before and thought he'd "punish" me by not showing up. I'd forgotten about that.