You know, when I used to first talk about my relationship with the ABF, or questions I had, I remember being baffled by the responses from some...like, why are you even asking about him, focus on yourself.
I was just the sort of girlfriend of a dopey guy in recovery. I wasn't going to turn my life over to him, marry him or even make him a sandwich if he ever drank. "I" was in better control. "I" am smarter than that. "I" had my sh*t together.
Then he relapsed and wow did I ever understand what it was they were talking about.. my need to fix, save, help, blah blah blah came out of seemingly nowhere. The people who I thought were dismissive or 'mean' actually saw what was headed my way emotionally. They tried to teach me early on that I could only take care of myself .. the disease of addiction knocks down even the most capable of people at the most unlikely of times.
Looking back now I can see how I interpreted their responses as snide or callous when it really was experience and seeing themselves in the mirror.. how they felt and acted at one time. I could almost imagine them shaking their heads when reading my posts.
For what it is worth, I am very greatful for the direct nature because I needed it. I needed a 'shake down' or I would have been in a very different place right now. That being said, I also felt scared and isolated and sometimes the blunt responses made me feel more isolated. The more gentle ones reassured me that I was going to be ok. And that my feelings were valid.
So for me, both responses were needed and both were of tremendous value.