I realize that there are a lot more ideal things I could be doing right now. But right now today, I am doing the best I can. I told AH his behavior was out of line tonight. I fired my lawyer (whose job it was was to protect H from his DV charge essentially) and faced the wrath from AH bc of what that might mean for him in court and listened for about 2 min and told him stop and walked away. I told the girls T with AH in the room that I have safety concerns about him being with the girls alone knowing full well that I'd hear about it at some point and that saying that was not in my best interest but WAS in theirs and so I did it. I am pursuing whether I can leave the state with them to live elsewhere if we are not yet divorced, I am keeping a journal of every last thing he does/says to help me in court should I need it, I am involved 100% of the time with the girls when he is around and this is to keep them safe. He is a good dad and loves them and has fun with them and they with him but he is more of a buddy than a father and can be irresponsible and I for years have played bad guy without an issue bc keeping them safe and setting limits and being a good mom is more important to me than being their temporary buddy.
I know that there is a lot they continue to be subjected to (though hardly at all compared to even a few weeks ago) and that there are many things I could do differently but I really am aware of what is at stake for them and am doing all I can to make things okay for them.
I grew up in a nightmarish, abusive home. I don't want my kids to be like me when they grow up and I do my best each day to let them know they are loved, safe, and great kids inside and out.
I appreciate that you recognize that it took you more than a few weeks to get from a to z and have that perspective. I may realize in a year that I was still a bit blind right now but I feel like I am seeing a lot of things clearly and am trying to forge a path that is best for us all (girls and I) and that's not something I can do overnight.