Believe me or don't but I am in therapy and taking him at face value, hearing him say I am making huge strides, I'm feeling that I am at least moving fwd.
I have NOT wanted to give up on the dream of what I thought I was going to have but as I posted in some thread last week, I have realized that what I WANT and what I NEED TO DO are 2 different things and though I am not fully there action wise, my HEAD and HEART are in a "accepting" place that I've never been before. It might not be much to some, but to me it's huge.
I am NOT hoping he will change and I don't know that I want him to anymore. There's been too much damage, too much hurt and too many betrayals. I am not blaming him for the marriage being where it is-- I am not blaming me... I am accepting that addiction has made us both ill and even if and when we both get better, I don't think there's anything left.
I have started to feel oddly excited about what might come next-- I'm sorting out whether to move to MA for a new job or stay and look into starting a small business (scary but I might do it) that I've always wanted to. I am calmer and a better mother than I have been in a long time. I am not apologizing for taking time for me each day. I am asking people for help whereas before I felt I had to do it all. I see AH moping or trying to get sympathy from me and I can think "hmmm, that's too bad he's down" and even say "sorry you're stressed" but I don't feel any desire to fix it and I don't feel that old feeling that was ever present (since childhood) of "let me make it better bc to be a good person I must". In fact just writing that right now makes me roll my eyes bc I don;t know how I spent 39 years thinking that was sane.
I have opened my eyes to the fact that drinking is the least of my H's problems and that I can't blame all his issues on the alcohol or his hard childhood and that I can't "save him".
Should I have told him he was out of line tonight? Yes. Would it have been worth it to do so? No. Just bc I don't confront and have a fight with him doesn't mean I condone it. In fact, the less I respond to him the louder the message that I am not putting up with his crap. The old me responded to everything-- which was just what he wanted-- then he'd twist it, make it my fault and I'd go nuts trying to explain why it wasn't and his behavior was never addressed. I think that the less I say the more he has nothing to spin around in his head but his own behavior... or maybe not... I don't really care to be honest. All I care about is that I am not going to engage in a fight or circular conversation and opening my mouth to him about anything other than the weather is likely to result in that. As opposed to the past when I'd be afraid to say something bc of his reaction, I am CHOOSING to say nothing to protect my peace and sanity and to have it calmer for the girls. I think that when he says something out of line and I say 'that's unacceptable' and walk away, that sends a clear message and I am okay with leaving it at that for today.
I am trying right now to focus on hour by hour and to not make backward progress. Changing everything is slow going and I am going to do it and am taking steps to do it. Most important to me is that my head is in the right place to do it. Lots of times before, in anger I;ve said "I'm done" and threatened to leave or did leave but I always returned. My head was always in "I want him to see how he's losing everything and change" and I wanted to be with him still. Now that's different. My head is in a 'I'm done' place and I feel calm bc that is decided. I don't want this to be what makes him change. I am doing this for ME bc I want ME to change and I want a happy life and I want my girls to be healthy.
I don't really know that I am explaining any of this clearly-- I need to think of some analogy for how I feel-- maybe that would make it clearer... I just know that I feel different, I feel sad that the "dream" is not going to be but I am also facing the fact that this marriage has really never been the "dream" I wanted and I've tried to be happy with mediocrity (at best) for far too long. Being honest with myself has been really freeing. I said the following to a friend on Sat night... I told him "I don't regret any of what AH and I have had bc when we met we were both what each other needed/wanted at the time... and in some ways, if AH hadn't been who he was and we hadn't gotten to this point I probably never would have started looking at myself as I have in the past year and I'd be stuck being the old me who frankly I didn't really like". So, for as sucky as life has been with him, I've learned a lot about what I do and don't want, about the kind of mother I want to and will be and am, about it being okay to say no when I mean it and to be "selfish" and put myself first sometimes....
It might sound insane, but I feel like AH getting to the point he did that got him arrested this winter was what it took for me to see things as they were.... if things had stayed bad but tolerable (if that makes sense) I might never have taken steps to change my life. And since Jan 31 I have taken a lot of steps and I am not going back and while I wish I hadn;t been assaulted by him, if that's what it took to wake me up and get me out of status quo mind set land, I guess I am "glad"? it happenened...
Okay enough rambling for one night..