WHAT A FANTASTIC THREAD!
And not a moment too soon, as I really needed a refresher.
I LOVE the no need to explain. This has been working wonderfully.
This is something I am still very actively working on, but I did have a lightbulb about it a few weeks ago.
Not a boundary: if he doesn't have a job by the end of the month, I will leave him.
Boundary: I will only be in relationships where the partners are equal and both contribute equally.
I am not sure my boundary is 100% on, but notice the shift ... Not a boundary -> someone else has to do something for me. A boundary -> I do something for myself as I am the only one I can control. ---putmeontheair
YES! this is the difference, Thanks for the reminder! Great work on you, by the way!
1. I will not react to his manipulations (arguments) and let him upset me (this is true if he's active or recovering), instead I will take a deep breath, leave the room and for at least 15 minutes not think about it. Then when I think about it after 15 minutes I will realize the moment has passed and there was no reaction I could have had that wouldn't have escalated the situation anyway so best to just forget it and move on, I can't control him.
2. If he needs a ride to the "store" I will be too busy, I will not engage but rather say "I'm working or too busy, sorry." That's it, no more needs to be said.
3. If he asks to borrow money I will not have any - no argument or fight, just "I'm broke, sorry about that" (none of his business why I consider myself broke at the moment).
4. If he asks me to lie I will say no (he was bad about this when he was actively drinking, asking me to lie to doctors, parents you name it), I would tell him simply "That's not my place you can tell people whatever you want (truth or lie not my concern) but I don't have to be involved or say anything."
*I will not ask, check or otherwise try to find out if he is or is not drinking. This is his cross to bear. (true if active or recovering)
*I will not ask, check or otherwise try to find out if he is or is not attending meetings. I will not ask about his recovery but will be open to listening to any information he volunteers, even then I will not be actively involved. His recovery is on him not me. I am responsible for my recovery.
* I will put me and my recovery first.
---Jds
These are GREAT! Thanks for these, I am going to steal this stuff right now.
Is it because told him what the consequence would be that made it a rule not a boundary? ---concerned nurse
I think the idea is to come to your plan of action, or your limitation definition on your own, and with no, "if you..., I will".
This kind of ultimatum really opens things up for argument, blame, all kinds of manipulations, games, lies.
If it is how you REALLY feel, and you get REALLY clear about it, it does not matter one flipping bit whether he knows what you will do or not.
The process is hard, and it has a trick to it, but once u get it , it is really so freeing, like these ladies above have illustrated.
You know what you know.
The "I statements" really just keep your decision about you-practicing self care, choosing health for you.