I too struggle with setting boundaries with the focus being on me. Consequences of actions can feel like a punishment, but I guess you have to look at the reasons behind it to know what it is for you.
Boundary: If I smell alcohol on my AH I go into another room. My boundary is I will not be with him when I smell it because it upsets me. I have a choice to sit and smell it or walk away. (I have never even told him about this.)
I will only be intimate when I feel I am in a relationship with someone who values me and my feelings, otherwise I feel used and I don't want to feel used any longer. When I feel loved and wanted and I trust the actions from my AH are genuine then normal intimacy will follow. This boundary has everything to do with how I am being treated. Unfortunately being an active A has direct consequences on this. I don't think you can be an active A and make me feel loved. Active A's lie, manipulate, sneak, hide, have a bad attitudes, and are so self absorbed I see it very unlikely they can value another person.
If my AH is in an argumentative mood and is acting like a teenager I do not engage in it. My boundary is I don't want to waste my time or energy with someone who wants to argue and not resolve.
Hope this helps.