Bobby,
Very, very good.
I am an ACOA and an Alcoholic (6 mths sober).
You have brought up a painful but real emotion.
I realized in the last couple of years that I was in fact MORE angry at my mother than at my father.
It is not fair but, I wrote off my father as a waste of space, but I can't write off my mother. She "allowed" this lunatic to rule the house. We got our arses whupped, but strangely, she did not. She and he live together now with 50 yrs of marriage and they are close. He hasn't drank for 20+ yrs but is still an a$$. She still enables him, just as before and if push comes to shove, he wins over us every time.
It is something I just have to accept. I would have walked off a cliff after my father when I was little. I adored him and was kind of the pet. I know he was also the ACOA and his mother was a tough old bird. They were very confusing (still are). They were very affectionate and very proud of their children but not good with emotions. My mother has those extremely old-fashioned views about women etc.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I asked her, calmly and with interest, "Did you ever get slapped/beaten as children?" referring to her and her 3 brothers.
Her answer? "No. But, well, we never really did anything out of the way to get slapped".
Yup, that was her honest answer. Can you even imagine my face? I just shook my head and said, "We must have been very bold then". No reply.
Going back to you Bobby, I have a feeling that you have cracked the code. I guess all I want is the acknowledgement and, yea, an apology. You are a wonderful example of someone who has taken a good look at things with eyes wide open and understand how your children feel. Age is not important, we never stop being someone's kids.
I do think though, that you should also give yourself credit for all the good things you did/do. "When we know better, we do better."
My parents will never get it. So, that leaves me. I must work out how to deal. God, being a grownup is hard lol.
:ghug3