Originally Posted by
suki44883 
I know you don't see it right now, but you are really making this harder than it has to be.
IMHO since I don't want to share custody and have him have unsupervised visitation once we are divorced, I am trying right now to behave in a way that will not paint ME as the bad guy.
I've been reading the "Why Does He Do That?" book and I am not surprised at all to read that in court, abusers (especially those who are charming to the rest of the world and can con a con man) can make the abused look like the problem.
I do NOT want to give him fuel to use and he's already started (weeks ago) throwing around the term "parental alienation". So while I do not care what his family thinks, I DO care how he can spin things I do to paint a picture of the situation that is not real so I am being careful and deliberate for a very real purpose.
I was venting in my post earlier-- what I know I will do is offer for him to stay for a bit and then suggest we spend the rest of the day apart. I am going to stay calm and pleasant if it kills me and that will be that.
Here's the quacking I hear (I am saying this out loud to you all to try and take away the power it has over me to make me feel guilty and act stupidly in response) when I say "I am not comfortable with you being alone with the girls bc I can't predict when you might drink and it's a safety issue"
Either indignation and being pissed off and telling me I am unreasonable OR more likely, a passive, martyr like, puppy dog look of "I understand... " and telling me it is hurting the girls but he will do whatever it takes to show that he puts them first (martyrdom). Then he paints me as unreasonable (after all it was "only 2 beers a month ago" is usually how the story goes) and I look like I AM alienating him unfairly from the girls. Who cares how it looks? You know the truth. Don't put so much emphasis on what he thinks or how he tries to make things look.
I can't change what he thinks and don't want to- it only matters bc of what I wrote above. The 'Why Does He Do That?' book nailed it and describes my H to a T.
If I offer to have him stay and be there together briefly (meaning there is a limit) he says that the tension created by me is unfair to the girls and since he will put them first always he will bow out so that they aren't impacted by my toxicity. (btw, last easter he was not around bc he was at his parents house due to a family crisis and did not call the girls at all on easter after promising to be home mid day to see them) You can turn that around on him and say that YOU feel the situation will create too much tension and that you feel it is best to just not have him over.
Maybe in normal person land that would work but if I say that that would be like adding fuel to a fire. I've done that many many times and it turns into him getting snappier and nastier. I know what he's saying is untrue and I won't bother to defend myself to him bc it makes it worse. BUT I do not wan to act in a way that gives him room to say this and to document it as an ex of why the problem is me for court.
Pretty much NO option other than, 'sure, show up when you want, do whatever you want while here with me gone and stay just long enough to play 'fun dad' and then i'll come back and act like you're a saint and be okay if you drank or ignored the girls or wrecked the house and I'll let you lurk around once I return so you can rest on the couch and be responsibility free' results in me being told I am unreasonable, unfair, uncaring (of the girls), alienating him etc... Again, who cares what he tries to make it seem like? You have the right to decide what YOU want and you have the right to decide what YOU will allow. Please, take ahold of the power you have and let go of the power you do NOT have.
I care bc of what he can do with his lies/spinning to effect the outcome of custody. Being careful is a smart move for me right now. See above explanation.