It's very hard to redefine my marriage in my own head to make it fit what it is today. Having to let go of being his "wife", which means stop acting like a wife, is something I have to remind myself of each and every day. Sometimes I am successful at it, and other times not so good at it. With social roles comes expectations, its normal and natural to expect to be treated a certain way and when we aren't, we are hurt and disappointed. Each morning I wake up and remind myself that just for today...I could do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to do it for a lifetime. Like moving furniture (ugh I hurt all over today), or being really sad and unfocused (had those days a lot in the not to distant past) or being sick, or angry, and so on. Just for today, I am going to be kind and trustful that the RAH will follow through on his word. So far, he has shown up everyday when asked, with tools and a trailer, and a relatively good attitude (so long as we don't get too 'deep' into resentments).
It's not a big thing...but it's something, you know?!
And I know I tend to get wrapped up in wanting to see the big things - the apologies and acknowledgments of my suffering and his wrongs and actions that show me he wants to have a relationship with me (the big sweeping actions) - that I overlook the little things. Does this change things between us? Well, just for today interactions are peaceful. And that is change, right? It means nothing more than that.
Thanks all for weighing in and I do appreciate the differing views and experiences. It's that kind of feedback that keeps me grounded in reality and not flying off into "he's being nice to me everything is back to normal again" land.