I just posted my story
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-reading.html if anyone wants an idea of my background with ABF. To bring you up to speed in short form:
I wrote my ABF a letter a couple months ago telling him that I was having doubts about our future together (we had talked of getting engaged and marriage and children). I told him how the drinking made me feel and that I couldn't marry an active alcoholic. SO, we both stopped drinking and haven't had a drink since. We started going to couples therapy because I knew that as the alcohol was removed, we would need to protect our relationship through the changes that would happen once he was in recovery. WELL- he never
exactly engaged in "recovery" at least by normal standards. I know each person has their own recovery, their own journey, their own program. But, while he was telling me "I'm working on it," in two months, I haven't seen ONE iota of action, except he's not drinking. This is ok with me, I know early sobriety is hard, he is on his own timeline... that is OK. I decided to propel myself into my own recovery to distract me from his.
What happened next was strange. I started to become resentful because I had stopped drinking to support him in his recovery (which was my choice) but once I realized that he's not really in "recovery", I got upset. I started thinking,
I should be able to have a drink if i want to... why should I have to change my life for him if he's not making any changes? This may sound insensitive, but please understand, I told him I would do ANYTHING to support his recovery, stop drinking, go to AA with him if he wanted, go to therapy with him if he wanted, etc. And I will STILL do those things, if he chooses recovery. But, I finally admitted to myself that he IS NOT doing this for himself (though he has been "trying to convince himself of the pros of not drinking"). Admittedly, its more healthy, less chance for trouble, no hangovers, etc. That's all true for not drinking for me too! But, because I admitted that he wasn't doing it for himself and he IS doing it FOR ME, I decided to stop going to couples therapy. It wasn't helping, I suppose it didn't achieve the "desired effect"- convincing him that he was doing it for himself, convincing him he was an alcoholic. So here we are, both trying to change ourselves FOR the other person.
I knew before that if he was doing it for me, eventually he would begin to resent me, and would also be more likely to relapse. I didn't truly get it though until I started to resent him! So here's the issue. I told him that I want to go back to having the choice to drink if I want to, and the choice is the same for him. I am done trying to convince him of anything, and if he wants to drink its his choice. He said he knew that, but I don't think he really KNEW it and truly felt it was his choice. So, he knows how his drinking makes me feel, LOUD AND CLEAR... but the realization was that he doesn't believe he's an alcoholic. HE thinks he can control his drinking, I told him yesterday, No, I dont think you can, but if you need to try and figure that out for yourself, that thats what you need to do. I suppose I have "Let
him go, and Let God!" I'm kicking myself because I'm thinking, OMG, I just gave my ABF permission to drink! But that's not really how I feel inside. I feel like I gave him permission to be who he wants to be. I also feel like if he hasn't hit bottom yet, the faster I stop trying to change him and get out of his way, the faster he will make choices that bring him to his bottom. This is scary for me, but somehow I am less afraid as I was maybe a month ago where my posts were all about the fear of letting go. I guess my recovery is moving forward after all. So tell me wise SR folks... did I do the right thing?!?!?