How did I get here?
The one thing that keeps going round and round in my head is "how did I get here to this (unhappy) place in my life?" I know the answer is being involved with an AH( and being a codie) , but I am still in shock that my marriage is so flipping crappy. I am a smart person, I am not a doormat, I do not lie for my AH, I am supportive, loving, kind and feel like I did my best. BUT my best just wasn't good enough. I can sit here all I want and reason with myself that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do that most our issues were/are out of my control. I am not perfect and I know I have made mistakes (and alanon is helping to see that even more), but I feel like I am walking around in someone else's life (part of the fog that comes with this type of relationship). This is NOT what my life was to be. I have known my AH since we were young (16 and 17), married young (22 and 23) and we have 3 amazing kids. Alcoholism is slowly draining what should have been a fantastic family and life away. It happened so slow and AH was so good at hiding, manipulating, trying to be a RAH (I think), getting emotionally further and further from me but it finally came up and bit me hard. Reflecting back how did I not see how sick he was? How sick I became? Hard core denial I guess with a mix of not really understanding what alcohol does to the brain long term.
Now as I sit here dumbfounded at what my marriage actually is I can't help but feel alone and lost. Alanon and therapy is helping me to focus on me, but now that I actually get how destructive alcoholism is in my marriage I can't help but feel overwhelmed by it all. What is the next 1-10 years of my life going to be like? In some odd way I almost wish he pulled some of the horrible crap I have read on this board. Not that leaving would ever be easy, but it sure would make the actual decision easy. I am not abused, he does not drink until he passes out, he is good with our kids (for the most part), has a good steady job, but yet because of his illness he can not be a loving, rational, and supportive husband. He "quacks" like the rest of the A's on here, tries to pick arguments with me, is self-centered, lies and has had me walking on eggs shells for way too long. What is going to happen as his illness progresses?
This just sucks! Looking forward to seeing things clearer and finding some peace via alanon. I am finding it difficult to have something I want ( a healthy marriage) not be within my reach.
Thanks for letting me vent a bit.