You are so right, Outtolunch. Thanks! It's that state of hoping things will get better or back to where they were before the addiction. And it never came to me. I kept waiting for something monumental from him to fall in love with him all over again. But he kept showing up at my house wasted. Still asking me to marry him, still asking to move back in..etc. But just couldn't stop coming over wasted. The hurtful part now is....Is he really "clean" for this new woman?? I know realistically that he probably is still maintaining on percs or something...but that's what kills me. Is he making the effort? Or is he just being on his best behavior while being on a "high" with his new love...then he'll go back to the schmuck he's always been.. (I read that opiate addicts are attracted to the high with a new love then it wears off).
And then the flip side of me is when I remember the bad times, his nastiness, his lies, his manipulating, etc. then I feel better and a weight has lifted that I'm done. I just hope I haven't been thru sooo much that I'll just be closed down to someone else. I'm thinking of going to NA to help myself get through this bitterness. I'm not a bitter person. But I can't shake it this time--too much disappointment & hurt.
I'm fine until I have a morning like this morning & pass her on the road & him in a work truck behind her. I've cried on & off all day. I feel like I'm in a fishbowl here (with the store across the street from my work that they go to) & it's bound to happen that I'm going to run into them face to face.
Another betrayal is that the woman who he is now with is the sister of the first person who gave my ex his first oxy. It was his boss. The sister runs the office to their family business. The boss had total control over my ex for many years because a person addicted to oxy will do anything for their next pill. His boss used these pills to control him & get my fiance to help build his $800,000 house. My ex even cleaned up his dog sh** regularly. He was a slave to him. For 11 mos straight my ex worked for this man on his home from 7 in the morning until 10 or 11 at night in addition to his regular job working for them in the day. We argued over it--but he claimed is was part of his job & he was getting "paid". (Though we know how the finances go with an addict). My house was terribly neglected. My ex was so jealous that I couldn't even have a repair guy come over b/c he's start all kinds of trouble--but yet he wouldn't fix something b/c he was usually sick from withdrawing. (Hence, the boss having the pills got him to do anything for him). And even though in later years my ex & his former boss weren't speaking as much---the boss still had a hold on him in different ways. He was King Sh**, his wife was Queen Sh**, etc. This man was an addict with an $800,000 house & acted like their sh** didn't stink. Drove me crazy!! He had even threatened to shut me up for good once when my ex's brother asked where the drugs were coming from. So....now my ex is with this man's sister??? I felt stabbed in the back - let me tell you. One other stipulation besides being sober/straight when coming to visit was that the former boss would never again be in our lives. That's all I asked!! Soooo....now my ex is with this man's sister. (And it's not over drugs--she doesn't do them as far as I know). He couldn't have punched me in the face & it wouldn't have hurt more. It's done & over - totally & that's what I'm dealing with. I can never forgive him for being with a member of that family, or for the hurtful/hateful things he said to me after he had told me about her. (I know, I know, it's that ole' opiate personality--but it killed me!)
Anyway - the more I write, the more I feel better that I'm no longer dealing with that. Though--it's days I have to pass them on the road or see them at the parking lot of the store across from me that I just get sooo down. But I just keep trying to remember all of the bad stuff. (Though it was sooo many years - what was his real personality & what was the drugs???) I just need to heal.
Besides unloading some since I've had a bad morning, I just wanted Hades to know what she could be facing. Stick by them, and they end up resenting you for it anyway!!