Yesterday I had a moment of clarity. An epiphany.
My RAH can't take my feelings into consideration because he is just now beginning to recognize his own. How could he possibly understand and empathize with mine? In the years of our relationship, I have been
allowed one emotion - happy - and if I was anything else it was unacceptable
and my fault. His emotions were drowned out by copious amount of alcohol and pot.
Anytime I would try to discuss my "feelings" about something in our relationship, he would explode! Especially if it was conflictual...man it turned into WWIII. Separating has helped a lot, as has Al-Anon with keeping my hurt feelings in check and to myself.
Yesterday, I said something I now realize I shouldn't have and it opened a can of stinky worms between us. It was tax day, and I am still smarting from the tax stunt he pulled which stuck me with close to $2,000 in liabilities to pay. On top of trying to buy a new house. I made a comment about my hurt feelings and as usual - he exploded. I was talking about ME, not him. That my feelings were still hurt. And as I was talking, he began to shout over me and told me off. Said I was demanding and manipulative and pushy until I got my own way. Always after my own way and relentless about attaining it and always having to have it. Then he declared he was "detaching from this madness" and walked out of my house.
I looked around my new house. Really? This is me getting my own way? I didn't seek out this life - I wanted to be married. I wanted the promises he made me way back when of the life we were going to have together. I wanted that. Instead, here I am, trying to salvage what I can and put the pieces back together and take care of myself and my daughters in spite of this disaster I got us into.
Realized last night that I am better off this early in recovery with having very little, if any, contact with him. Neither of us can help slipping back into old, comfortably miserable patterns of interaction. I continue to treat him like he's a loving, caring husband and get my feelings hurt when he acts like he always acts (like an alcoholic/dry drunk) and he continues to treat me like I want to be his Mommy (oh how I hate that personification, and have learned it is
him that tries to take
me there). My feelings, to him, are a manipulation to get my own way.
*SIGH*
Beating myself up a bit this morning for slipping off my own path but at least I know where his head still continues to be - this man still blames me. 5 months into recovery and he still blames me. Jeeze this is getting so old. I am so much better off staying away from him.
Just had to vent this am - missed my meeting last night and am feeling it today!
