I can understand this. It got so terrible when my RAH was using alcohol, (and still, now, sober to some extent), That it became almost comical the way he thought I was buying his manipulative games.
I was onto it for a long time, before I had the strength to let him fall if he "couldnt stand", or to let him gasp if he "couldnt breathe"...but guess what? He ususally responded to me letting go in anger, and guess what else? He sure could stand and breathe when he was angry that I stopped dancing with his games.
It is actually quite loving to let go, and let them learn to walk and stand, and breathe.
It doesnt feel that way at first, but that grows.
If possible, no contact at this stage is a good idea. She is taking you down with her, or attempting to.
It was a very hard realization for me, and I had to come to it many times over...But, I cried and cried, when I realized that:
He was unaware and did not care, becaue he could NOT care, that I could go under with him.
That is when you have to decide for your self that you choose life, even if she does not. You are alive.