Searching81

I am so tired of being a sucker to this behavior. So tired of who I have become. It is amazing to me that I have been reduced to someone who screams and cries and yells about my "partners" drinking.

I had been doing so well. Then she called. and then called. begged to talk. then she got hurt. and her uncle died. and everything fell apart. and for some reason, i believed that today, just for today, she wouldnt drink and that there would be some chance of a real life sober conversation. (the reason was bc she told me that) Instead, she drank a bottle of wine. and told me about it bc she didnt want to lie.

And yes, god, I am happy she told the truth. but ****, I hate how she thinks "i told the truth, i can still get what i want." I was really looking forward to seeing her not drinking and i got disappointed bc I had unreal expectations. But all she needed "was to see me". I said no, was so strong. and then, out of nowhere, she says she needs to go to the hospital. and I spring into action, like the coda that I am. and double park and run up the stairs, ready to take her outside and there she is, high as a kite, house reeking of perfume and weed, and she says "i just wanted to see you".

She is so manipulative. "i cannot breathe", "I cannot stand", etcetera...it is so awful to watch this all happening. to know that I am going to react in a way that is shameful. that I am going to yell and yell and be appalled that she is the way that she is.

I am just so frustrated by her games. the same games she's been playing since she was a small child, probably. So tired of how she operates and functions. How she lays the guilt on in these remarkable and sickening ways.

I am starting to hate her. like, seriously, I cannot stand her anymore but just havent cut her cord like i need to. I just need to make my life happen without her. because i am pretty certain, it is going to be so bright, without her.