Just got a chance to come back. Thanks so much to all who were kind enough to post. My daughter just went up to take her shower.... I don't want the kids to see me posting on this site.
Yes, to one poster: Alcohol. Supposed to quit smoking in a week, too. I'm not good with change, I'm a creature of habit... and I am pretty deeply seated in addiction, I guess. Never thought I would begin to crave alcohol like I do a cigarette.
I am not in a "relapse," so to speak. I just never quit and stopped posting here awhile back. Got back with the ex again, probably, and that's what we do. Drink, fight, hate, break-up... a toxic relationship, to be sure, but one a partner has to drink to be in.
We are not together right now but he said such hurtful, nasty things to me last night (completely unrelated to drinking) .... I drove around and cried and cried and wanted to drink myself to death.
I think what brings me here tonight... what is forcing this Day One.... is last night's drive and the sickening feeling I have that I have lost all joy in life.... that drinking is what distorts my mind into thinking my ex and I can "work it out...." that drinking and burying my feelings is what is keeping them with me and dictating my life, which has become NOTHING more than "Same $hit, different day."
I ate. Drank a glass of milk. Took a vitamin. Will take a hot shower and retire early.
I WILL MAKE IT ONE DAY WITHOUT A DRINK, Dang It. I have to. And then, I hope, another. And another. I will log in as much as possible (hard to do when one doesn't want anybody to see)....and pray and pray and pray (now that I'm finally losing my anger at God).... and cry and cry and cry and get even bigger puffy eyes so my ex can make more fun of me.
:-( Sound like a true whiner, no?
Thank you again. Everybody. I am feeling a teensy bit better, probably because I know I am an hour or so away from going to bed and not having to fight my mind every freaking nano-second. It's exhausting.