We all have a lot of experience with master manipulators.
I have a son with one.
He also has a lot of potential. He is sober, now, physically, but even physical sobriety brings another mountain of chnge for the addict to climb.
They have to grow up and be their own parent, their own police...
Its an investment.
You obviously have a great deal of love for this chef, but, I feel for your son.
He sounds like he has an otherwise healthy family. And this addict has been in and out of his life, it sounds like for years.
At some point you have to ask this:
I love this person, But, at what COST?
Your post heading says ,"becoming someone I dont like"
This is the statement that initially took me to alanon, and to SR.
I was living in reaction to a VERY unhealthy person, who could not love me, our son, or himself.
I was just one big living reaction to HIM, and his disease.
And I am still involved because we have a child. And because he took the leap toward recovery...
I feel that "becoming someone you dont like" Is quite a COST.
for a friendship.
keep posting