Checking in...again
A week off usually means trying to catch up on things in my life that I have been putting off or too tired to deal with. It also means thinking way too much and getting caught up in procrastination and sometimes a downward spiral of too much coffee. not enough sleep, too much nicotine and generally not many healthy habits.
So where am I exactly? Not always sure. On my birthday a few weeks ago I felt as though I was better than last year. Not that my life is better. But I am better. I am more self aware and I feel better about myself.
Since I am a person that loves lists and flow charts and webs ( I just did an extensive one for work) I decides to try and do one for me.
Things that are better
-less frantic.
-less angry.
-able to stop worrying when I feel myself getting anxious about someone
else’s life that I cannot control.
-more grateful for the wonderful blessings in my life.
-able to enjoy myself despite what others choose to do.
-more clear about what I want and don’t want in my life.
-beginning to be able to take action when my boundaries
are infringed upon.
-beginning to put my best interest first.
-able to enjoy new people and new experiences.
-able to see God’s hands taking care of me.
Things that still need some work
-PATIENCE Things will happen when they happen. Not on my time frame.
-Taking out my anger and dissapointment in myself on others-especially those closest to me.
-Feeling lonley and isolated. All I really need to do is pick up the phone.
-Missing all the things about him that made me feel good about myself. I need to feel those things without anyone telling me so.
-Procrastinating. Just DO IT!
-Keeping the squirrels from running around. Obsessing on thoughts and lettting them immobilize me.
-Getting my hopes up and refusing to believe what others are clearly trying to tell me.
-Letting go of toxic people and situations in my life.
Low points in the last year that are actually amusing looking back on them
-I was convinced my husband had a brain tumor because his behavior changed so much. I consulted several websites and friends on this one.
-When he came to pick up his brother’s shotgun-a sentimental piece that probably does not even work, I called several folks because I was sure he was suicidal.
-Convinced myself he has a mental illness. Not sure I am not incorrect on this one.
-Hacking into his email, facebook and myspace accounts to see what he was up to.Hey, I’m not proud.
-Driving past his apt, his boat dock, his job, his GF house, the bar incessently.
-Calling him and expecting a rational conversation and being upset when there was none.
-Throwing all the empty beer cans, vodka bottles in the back of his car.
-Begging him to stay with me. This one makes me saddest of all.
As of right now I know this much. I am better off being physically detached from him. It has allowed me to get to know myself, take care of myself and not get cuaght up in the insanity that is his life.
I need respect and trust in a relationship. I cannot have either with him as long as he is drinking.
He may never choose to stop drinking.
I feel my HP keeps telling me not to give up on him and my marriage. My vows mean a great deal to me. We had a wonderful marriage for many years and I think that we can never be too broken to start again but it would take a great deal of work and 100% committment from both of us. Every thing he has done shows me he is not willing to make that committment. It would be so much easier for me if I could just make a clean break and move on but at this time I am not ready to do this.
I can change my mnd at any time.
Not the picture of serenity but certainly far from where I started.
Baby Steps
Thanks for letting me share.