Thread: Suddenly
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Old 04-17-2011, 05:51 PM
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FrothyJay
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
Suddenly

"Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach."
BB p.36, More About Alcoholism


The above line comes from the Alcoholics Anonymous text book (aka, the Big Book). It describes the experience of a man who had quit drinking, resolved to stay quit, and then found himself in a restaurant ordering lunch until, well suddenly happened, and he got drunk.

How many times did suddenly happen to me? How many times, despite my best intentions and efforts, did I suddenly find myself drunk?

Hungover, I would desperately track back. Where did I go wrong? Nothing was bothering me. Everything was pretty...typical. Neutral. How can that be? How can it be that something so vitally important-- my sobriety-- could temporarily be cast aside? What triggered me? There must be a logical reason for why I drink!

The truth is, I was always resolved to not drink until suddenly happened. I learned slowly that in the epic battle of my willpower vs. suddenly, I was winless. All those memories of how horrible it was, all the resolve to do better, the promises I made, the frothy emotional appeal from my family, the freaking undeniable logic that alcohol would ultimately kill me-- it did not matter. I would experience that strange quiet blank spot, where the decision to drink was not in my control.

I was without defense against the first drink.

And the problem with suddenly was this: it did not announce itself, did not arrange an appointment. It showed up when it wanted, it had a full access backstage pass.

When I recognized I was suddenly's b*tch, the entire paradigm of recovery changed for me. I'd heard the first drink got me drunk-- but what if my thinking before the first drink got me drunk? What if all those terrific slogans-- think the drink through, tell on yourself, call your sponsor, drinking won't make any situation better-- were totally ineffective against an insane mind?

I've come to understand that suddenly is a fork in the road for alcoholics. For a long time, I could not come to terms with the fact that I had no control over my obsession with alcohol, even when I was sober. And that inability to see my truth kept me relapsing.

Because I was still prey to suddenly.
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