Wow that really sucks and isn't it funny (not really) how our A's know JUST which buttons to push. Yours is the paternity insinuation remarks, mine is AH telling me I will become just like my crazy mother and on it goes.
I know the sucky feeling of being hurt and just wanting your H to "get it". You remarked that you weren't sure if your H even realized that what he was saying was a triggering/leadingly hurtful remark and I have to say that I've started to re-think how I've viewed my H saying similar things.
For a long time I've thought that it was intentional. That he knew what was hurtful and found subtle ways to jab at me. And certainly he does and it's obvious when he's trying to be a jerk. But there are lots of other times that I hear him say things and think "Seriously?" "How does he NOT get that that's out of line?" (and he does this with others-- not just me) and I've begun to wonder if he isn't a bit on an asberger-ish spectrum in terms of social skills and some other stuff... I was talking with the school Psych at my job about a student last week (who is on the autism spectrum and court involved bc of drug use) and he (psych) mentioned there being thoughts of a connection bw addiction and ASD. I don't know if there is but I know that what you said about wondering if your H even "got" that what he said was upsetting is something I've wondered a lot with my own H and maybe they truly DON'T get it. ?
When I read your post I thought about how many times I've been in your shoes and told myself 'don't engage' and then done so. You're human. I wish your H understood why you're hurting but just as I wish my H had been capable of comforting me with my job loss fiasco, it's just setting us up to be more upset when we hope or look to our AH's to respond to us the way we would if the roles were reversed.
Like you the nasty things said during the worst of his drinking (which he of course doesn't remember) are the hardest to not react to when they are brought up during sober times as well. I really really get how tough that is.
I'm sorry you are hurting...