You are a smart lady and a good mom, and you are figuring this out.
Just because someone asks a question doesn't mean that you have to answer. This was a new concept to me as I was raised to be polite and engaged and I am a lawyer so I love to try to explain my side of things.
And I never understand why everyone doesn't agree with me. With AXH, I just had to give up. I had to throw up my hands and tell myself "it doesn't matter what I say. it won't change his beliefs. I have to know what's true for MY sake and I can't worry about what he thinks/who his friends are/what he's doing. I have to protect MY sanity. Mine."
And what I learned is that I could only do that AWAY from him.