It is so hard for me to see sometimes that I am being sucked in and starting to dance. I never know when Mr. Reasonable becomes Mr. Insane. It can change in a heart beat. The only way for certain not to dance is not to talk, but when you are living with an A and have a family with an A that is pretty much impossible. I am not to the point where I want to leave or want him to leave so I am learning the fine points of detachment and setting boundaries. I am trying to determine how to respond or act when I don't like what is going on. I am trying to see when I am being baited and a lot of the time I am in the middle of the dance before I see it. BUT at least I can see it now! Once I see it I know what to do which is just stop. Funny because once I stop it only takes about a sentence or two before he stops. He knows I get it and I'm not dancing.
I personally do not do the list. If things were going better in each of your recoveries then maybe, but since you two are still dancing I think it is only going to lead to more dancing.
The whole cell phone thing would tick me off too. ("thanks for telling me you ARE in fact hiding things from me") ...sure sign that it is not a healthy relationship.
Time to refocus on you and your needs. Moving sounds like a great idea. He is making it easy for you to determine that. I guess in an odd way it is something to be thankful for.
Hugs!