"Oh, he also told me this morning that he was going to start leaving his cell phone at work (tells me this out of the blue) and when I said, "okay- is there a reason for that?" does the reason really matter? He knock at the front door with this comment here, and you flung it open and rolled out the carpet. Don't ask a question when you know you won't like the answer.
I didn't realize it was a trap and didn't realize what I was walking into. This was a "new" tactic. I have learned to not ask questions when I know it's a game and I didn't recognize this as being that at the time.
"he told me he didn't want me reading texts or listening to messages from his brother and friends. I told him that if he has nothing to hide/be ashamed of then he wouldn't need to be secretive. [COLOR="Red"]This is manipulation, on your part. You are expending energy trying to change him, with backhanded comments. Have you read his messages/listened to voicemails before? If so, than with this comment, you are justifying your past bad behavior, by blaming him for it.[/COLOR
]
Manipulation? I think that pointing out that I know he lies to me is a fact and I'm not going to put my head in the sand and pretend not to know. Yes, I listened to voicemail and looked at texts while he was passed out drunk and going through withdrawal symptoms pretty badly for 2 days after a bender in Jan. And I did so another time after he missed an event for D5 and claimed a family emergency came up and in fact he'd been out drinking and I found "proof" of that. Not healthy on my part.
"He asked me "well who am I supposed to talk to about you and how much stress you cause me?". I told him perhaps his sponsor (who I don't think he talks to if he even has one) or his T." None of your business who he talks to, whether he has a sponsor, whatever. His recovery, not yours. If you don't think he has a sponsor, and you suggested he talk to one, that's manipulation into getting him to "realize" he needs one.
Are you missing that he ASKED me a question? And I didn't answer and told him he should figure that out himself and he asked for my opinion and I gave it. I'm not making it my business. He is. I wasn't manipulating him either- he SAYS he has a sponsor and maybe he does so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and suggested, as has been suggested on here, that he talk to his sponsor.
"He told me "I prefer to talk to X (bil name) bc he knows me and comforts me". Translation: Crazy bil tells AH it's right to resent me and that I am the cause of all his and their entire family's problems. This is your translation. If you aren't there for the conversations, you cannot assume what is said. It's none of your business what crazy bill says.
#1. I do know the context of their "chats" bc I get vile emails/texts from bil that give me a pretty good sense of what his attitude is. BIL also forgets which phone he is calling fairly often and leaves messages here that he THINKS are on AH's cell and they're accidentally left on our home acct. So, in fact I do have a pretty good idea of how toxic he is. You know how they say in AA that you ought to cut people loose from your social circle who are still using/and toxic etc... Well, this is one of those people. And AH tells me that one day and sees it and then when he's pissed off he runs to his brother to get the resentment fuel he desires. It's sick.
#2. It IS my business when the last bender my AH went on was funded by, encouraged by and lengthened by my bil. My kids suffer bc of the impact he has and I feel it is well within my right for as long as AH wants to be a father, to state facts about what is harmful to this family. Whether he likes it isn't my responsibility.
"I simply responded and said that was fine and he should do whatever he wants but that that mentality was not compatible with what I find acceptable in a marriage and I'd be making my own decisions about my life based on what works for me and he can continue to do the same." I'm sure you guys have had this argument before, and covered this part already. Repeating the same things over and over because you aren't getting the response you want is expecting change. If he cared what you thought was acceptable in marriage, well, you wouldn't be here, so why lecture him on it?
Actually I haven't had this conversation before and for me this was a new line in the sand and I have made some decisions today that I don't intend to back away from. Not sure why you'd assume we've had this conversation before. That's kind of a huge assumption, no?
Some of us are sicker than others, an A told me that once.
One who was clearly not worried about themself I take it and was saying this to you to play therapist?
You sound very bitter in your post, especially towards the end. You have alot of resentments towards this man, and rightfully so, but for your health I think you might want to start letting some of them go. Resentments are like pebbles in your shoe... the longer you carry them around, the more pain they cause, and the only one they hurt is you.
I am bitter and I am fed up. I wish I'd never married him or had kids with him. I wish I could re-do the past 14 yrs.