Hey, don't be ashamed-I did the same thing.
I was off and on with my exabf for 3.5 yrs mainly because of the terrible loneliness I would feel when we broke up.
I finally learned a very IMPORTANT lesson. Until you can be alone, and can be HAPPY being alone, finding a good relationship will be a struggle. You'll be in danger of jumping into another dysfunctional union just to avoid being alone.
Originally Posted by
Linkmeister 
GG: I moved across the country to be with my now EXABF. I pulled up stakes, sold my vehicle for moving expenses to come to a place to be with a guy I loved then and believe it or not, still love. I left my family, friends, way of live all in the name of love. Yeah, the love of my life - an alcoholic and while I had been attending Al-Anon beofre,durting and after his 3rd stint ar rehab, I still felt alone, not just because I was in a whole new city, but because I was living with an alcoholic.
It has not been easy for me to cope, not just with the alcoholism, but the fact that I was alone and I was scared of being alone totally if EXABF broke it off. There, I said it. It’s out in the open. That’s what kept me tied for way too long. the loneliness. What changed this time? I did. I wanted more than the roller coaster ride of what our life had become. If I was going to be alone, I wanted the peace and solitude of living alone, not being alone which is how I always felt with EXABF.
He was a white knuckler, a dry drunk who believed he could "do it on his own." He relapsed time and time again and each time, I went back for more because I didn't want to be alone.
I realized that even though my mom is back East, she loves and supports me (I am an only child), I have good neighbours, starting to make friends through Al-Anon and the bookstore where I volunteer and they all like me for me. Ad my age (53), I am taking courses toward an Accounting degree and am going to school part time starting next month.
Heck, talking my dog for a walk today-I had at least 6 people wave at me, say hi to us that made me feel so good and a lot less alone. That’s why I blocked EXABF out of my life finally, once ad for all because I know that I am not alone as long as I have friends and neighbours and people here who like me for me, no strings attached.
There's being alone (living with alcoholism) and living alone. For me, I can differentiate between the two now and realize that living alone in peace and solitude beats the lonlieness of living with an alcoholic.