Bolina, that was not an off topic ramble, it was spot on.
The only way my ExABF could get into my head was if I let him. This was the easiest and quickest way, and he knew that: Start and Argument. And he got inside your head rather easily, pushing the right buttons, because he knows where they are (you might want to move those, btw) and got you to question your sanity.
"Oh, he also told me this morning that he was going to start leaving his cell phone at work (tells me this out of the blue) and when I said, "okay- is there a reason for that?"
does the reason really matter? He knock at the front door with this comment here, and you flung it open and rolled out the carpet. Don't ask a question when you know you won't like the answer.
"he told me he didn't want me reading texts or listening to messages from his brother and friends. I told him that if he has nothing to hide/be ashamed of then he wouldn't need to be secretive.
This is manipulation, on your part. You are expending energy trying to change him, with backhanded comments. Have you read his messages/listened to voicemails before? If so, than with this comment, you are justifying your past bad behavior, by blaming him for it.
"He asked me "well who am I supposed to talk to about you and how much stress you cause me?". I told him perhaps his sponsor (who I don't think he talks to if he even has one) or his T."
None of your business who he talks to, whether he has a sponsor, whatever. His recovery, not yours. If you don't think he has a sponsor, and you suggested he talk to one, that's manipulation into getting him to "realize" he needs one.
"He told me "I prefer to talk to X (bil name) bc he knows me and comforts me". Translation: Crazy bil tells AH it's right to resent me and that I am the cause of all his and their entire family's problems.
This is your translation. If you aren't there for the conversations, you cannot assume what is said. It's none of your business what crazy bill says.
"I simply responded and said that was fine and he should do whatever he wants but that that mentality was not compatible with what I find acceptable in a marriage and I'd be making my own decisions about my life based on what works for me and he can continue to do the same."
I'm sure you guys have had this argument before, and covered this part already. Repeating the same things over and over because you aren't getting the response you want is expecting change. If he cared what you thought was acceptable in marriage, well, you wouldn't be here, so why lecture him on it?
Some of us are sicker than others, an A told me that once. So ours is not labeled a "disease" per say, but the way we have been programmed to respond, to survive in an A relationship is deeply ingrained in our psyche. Knee jerk reactions, even when we are trying so hard to change them, can surface and take over when we least expect it. These reactions are familiar to the A, they thrive on familiarity, so any chance he has of bringing it out of you he will. He didn't suck you in here, you walked in. But it's okay, we have all done it. Every time we slip, it makes us more aware of our surroundings, and what we need to work on. I have alot of trouble with this, saying 'i dont know' when i really do, or saying 'i dont care' when i really do. But in the long run, it's better for me to say these things, and leave it at that. The more I say it, the more I believe it, the more it becomes the truth.
You sound very bitter in your post, especially towards the end. You have alot of resentments towards this man, and rightfully so, but for your health I think you might want to start letting some of them go. Resentments are like pebbles in your shoe... the longer you carry them around, the more pain they cause, and the only one they hurt is you.
Keep your eyes on the prize, please don't let him get in your head like this!
