wanttobehealthy

AH is quacking A LOT this morning. He's not here now.

Here's what I'm wondering about...

This morning he got fixated (bc he was caught in a bold faced lie) on "what are you doing for your recovery?" and telling me "I have NO idea what you're doing for your own recovery and maybe you believe you're doing things differently but your words and actions don't match" (it hasn't been lost on me that he is using precisely what I've said to him about words vs actions and projecting that on to me).

My response is what I want feedback on: I told him I wasn't clear on how he was saying I was not focussed on my recovery when he's the one obsessing about what I am and am not doing. I left it at that. He told me that he's not going to be "held accountable" for his recovery if I have no accountability. I told him I wasn't holding him accountable for his recovery and that all I was holding him accountable for were the clearly laid out expectations if he was going to be at the house.

He claimed to forget what these were and I told him I needed a break and he should think about it and we could talk later. He told me I was controlling. I walked away.

My gut tells me that giving him a list that he is asking for outlining the things I am working on in my recovery is a BAD idea. If he were sane, not an A, not an a$$ etc... maybe this would be a good idea but all this seems like to me is a trap. Anything I list he will obsess about and tell me I am not doing.

What do you think?

Oh, he also told me this morning that he was going to start leaving his cell phone at work (tells me this out of the blue) and when I said, "okay- is there a reason for that?" he told me he didn't want me reading texts or listening to messages from his brother and friends. I told him that if he has nothing to hide/be ashamed of then he wouldn't need to be secretive. He asked me "well who am I supposed to talk to about you and how much stress you cause me?". I told him perhaps his sponsor (who I don't think he talks to if he even has one) or his T. He told me "I prefer to talk to X (bil name) bc he knows me and comforts me". Translation: Crazy bil tells AH it's right to resent me and that I am the cause of all his and their entire family's problems. I simply responded and said that was fine and he should do whatever he wants but that that mentality was not compatible with what I find acceptable in a marriage and I'd be making my own decisions about my life based on what works for me and he can continue to do the same.

Then I was told I was toxic and he left. Good riddance.

Oh, before he left I thanked him (and I was calm the whole time remarkably) for making my decision about moving to MA clear as day.

Last night he got back here trying to talk and seem nice and I knew it was a scam and asked to be left alone. Sure enough, this morning I find out he's been lying about a few things and when I "dared" to say something about it and the status quo was challenged, the a$$hole I know he is came shining through.

Perhaps my favorite line of the morning was "you expect me to be perfect- I am not a saint". I have informed him for years that the only one who expects him to be perfect is him but that for as long as he wants to convince himself that I expect that it will provide him with all the excuses he needs when he "falls off the wagon".

A BIG part of me hopes he goes out and drinks today bc that's a lot more predictable than this fake sobriety crap.

Provided something better doesn't come up in NH job wise, I am 100% decided I am going to MA.

Thank you lying, weasel, jerk AH. It's the best gift you've given me in a long time- just being your charming self helped me see clearly that putting one more second of thought into having you in my life is a colossal waste of time.