I sort of feel like the message I am saying is getting lost and people are running with their own interpretations a bit... Or maybe I am thinking this through more and my feelings are changing-- in any event here's the facts of where I'm at right now.
1. I am not considering staying in NH to "stand by my man" as someone suggested. Good god no. I am considering it bc this is where my support system (friends and family) are and MORE importantly, where my kids support system (outside of me) is.
2. Since no one has been in my house with me I guess I am finding it hard to understand how there can be value judgements made about the message I am sending to my kids. Yes, for years they've seen a lot of bad. For the past several months they have heard a consistent message from me about what I will and won't tolerate, they see me (except for losing it 2 weeks ago) limiting what I say and the reaction I give their father and it ends what would have been in the past a huge debacle. The girls are in therapy and I relay with brutal honesty to the therapist what AH and I interact like and what the girls see and hear (which fwiw is very little since he saves his obnoxiousness for when they are in bed and when I don't respond he leaves so there's nothing that occurs) and HER take as a professional who works with kids and alcoholic families and has for 25 yrs, is that I am sending a clear message to the girls about what will and won't be tolerated. Please remember that what you hear here is a snapshot of a far more complicated picture so please ask questions before over-analyzing or drawing conclusions...
3. There are teaching jobs in NH I am sure. They are few and far between and NH is the new Wisconsin in terms of insane budget/bills being passed that are decimating education. It's not a stable career here. If I find a job there's no guarantee it won't be cut in a year and there are few districts that hire someone with 10+ yrs of experience bc due to lovely union rules you have to pay someone based on experience, not merit (crap in my book) so teachers with lots of experience in a bad economy are screwed.
4. I am not waiting for or hoping for AH to change. I want what's best for my girls and myself and I am not sure what that is and it has nothing to do with sitting around hoping AH "recovers". I'm not sure that if he does recover I even want to be with him. I am very confused about a lot of things. Whether he changes his stripes or not is NOT going to determine whether I move or stay.
5. What's tugging at me to stay is this: My best friend lives here and I see her daily and I'd be sad to lose that. Her kids are my kids best friends. They all go to school together and have since they all were babies. They'd be sad and so would my bf, her H and I for that to end. My mom who for all her issues is a good grandmother is the one constant, stable thing in the girls lives and they see her several times a week. They'd lose that. I guess those are the big things I am thinking of right now... AH isn't the reason I'd stay or go.
Clearly I am very confused!