Originally Posted by
wanttobehealthy 
If you knew what it had been like before we were separated and what it is like now, you'd see that I am getting quite a lot out of this separation. And more importantly my kids are too. I'm not sure why anyone would think that banning my kids from seeing their father would be a good idea and as I've said a million times now, he comes by for dinner or to see the girls in the afternoon so as to SEE the girls bc the therapist the girls see who specializes in working with families that are separating/divorcing and/or dealing with addictions is the one who suggested this. As soon as his being around is toxic for anyone it will be re-evaluated. The only reason it has been less than peaceful for me is not bc he is physically present but bc I let his presence upset me. That's not his doing. That's mine.
If it were just me and we had no kids, I'd be NC. I don't have the right to punish my kids or my AH by not letting him see the girls just bc I think that might be "easier" for me. That's insane. I grew up with a mother who banned my father from the house out of spite and she to this day has no peace. I need to find a way to have peace whether he is around (to see the girls) or not and saying that the only way I can have peace is by not having him around (even just for an hour to see the girls) is putting the responsibility for my peace, on to him and that's no different than him blaming me for his drinking.
Thanks-- this is a good point and the clarity helps... I really appreciate it.
Hi wanttobe,
I want to share some ESH, mostly experience:
I have been exactly where you are (except without the sign from God re: a job in another town. I am still waiting for that one.)
Any time people who had been through something similar to what I had said "trust me, you will feel differently when..." I was highly irritated. How dare anyone tell ME what I felt. I had mentally checked out of my marriage long ago. I am FAR more insightful than most people and I know that I am ready for the next step. I am totally in charge here.
And everyone who had been down the same road was patient with me and just kind of shook their heads...and they were right.
By the facts alone (a pending family violence charge, alcoholic huisband, 2 small children, job loss, financial stress), you are simply not equipped to just disregard his physical presence. It is NOT your responsibility to be calm when he's around. And your counselor told you at one point that your children's behavior showed regression when he was around. And every week there is a flare-up with your children around while he attacks you verbally.
You are doing EXTRAORDINARILY well under the circumstances, but your circumstances are dangerous to you and your children.
You will probably hate me now, but I hope you can understand that we have all been in eerily similar circumstances and we can see that while you are doing a great job, you are not all there in terms of clarity.
Please forgive my outspokenness.
