FWIW, I don't think anyone is judging you for doing separation "wrong." Having said that, him being at the house every day, and now staying there is not really much separation. And, to me, the point of separating is to get away from the other person, their behaviors, their crazy-making, their influence over your life, long enough to have some peace and clarity. And it appears to me you aren't getting that. So, whether you consider yourself "technically" separated or not, you aren't getting the benefit of separation. This is not me judging you, just noticing how it doesn't really seem to be benefiting you. It's absolutely your call and totally up to you how you want to do this, but personally, I would like to see you get some peace and clarity from it. That's all.
If you knew what it had been like before we were separated and what it is like now, you'd see that I am getting quite a lot out of this separation. And more importantly my kids are too. I'm not sure why anyone would think that banning my kids from seeing their father would be a good idea and as I've said a million times now, he comes by for dinner or to see the girls in the afternoon so as to SEE the girls bc the therapist the girls see who specializes in working with families that are separating/divorcing and/or dealing with addictions is the one who suggested this. As soon as his being around is toxic for anyone it will be re-evaluated. The only reason it has been less than peaceful for me is not bc he is physically present but bc I let his presence upset me. That's not his doing. That's mine.
If it were just me and we had no kids, I'd be NC. I don't have the right to punish my kids or my AH by not letting him see the girls just bc I think that might be "easier" for me. That's insane. I grew up with a mother who banned my father from the house out of spite and she to this day has no peace. I need to find a way to have peace whether he is around (to see the girls) or not and saying that the only way I can have peace is by not having him around (even just for an hour to see the girls) is putting the responsibility for my peace, on to him and that's no different than him blaming me for his drinking.
The real reason I posted, however, is to note that you seem to be equating moving/accepting the position with divorce. They are not one and the same, although I do understand how one could lead to the other. But, try to remember, you are making a choice about the job, not about divorce. Maybe that will make it less complicated. HE seems to be the one making it about divorce. And, at least to me, that speaks volumes about him. I hope you don't let him manipulate you out of something good.
Thanks-- this is a good point and the clarity helps... I really appreciate it.