I struggle with detachment too. While I am trying to detach him from the illness I find that hard to do. Not knowing what is "him" and what is the illness. Is he being a jerk (in a bad mood) because he is just having a bad day or because of the illness? If it is simply a Bad day I want to see if I can brighten his spirits, but if it is due to the illness I want to stay away from him. What I am doing now is that if he is being a jerk I don't care what the reason is, I don't want or deserve to be treated badly. I don't need to figure out the "why" anymore.
The next thing I need to figure out is how/when to I let him back into my heart (which is being intimate again) . Very hard when I feel like I can't trust him and he may say something that really hurts my feelings. One day at a time, one feeling at a time... not there yet and I would like to think once I am I will know how to emotionally protect myself.