Learning to live for myself....
It's so strange! Getting motivated to do the simplest things...like paint my nails. For no other reason than, it makes me happy?!
Such a foreign concept! My whole life I have been taught I am the selfish one. And that would be proven every time I tried to do something for myself, which would ultimately lead me away from my twisted family, or my exhusband, or my current AH.
But even while I'm here with my current AH, just learning to do things I want to do without waiting for "permission". It's just crazy!
I know you must understand what I'm talking about.
It's the basic notion that I'm just now learning...
It is o.k. to keep breathing in and out.... because I want to live! It doesn't matter what anyone else wants. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, I can do whatever I want... for no other reason than I want to!
Tears are falling down my face as I am writing this!
It's o.k. to put on makeup.. because I want to.
It's o.k. to feel good about myself, even when others around me don't like themselves. It's o.k. to get on with living my life even if everyone else is stuck.. not moving forward! It's o.k. to try and fail! It's o.k. to live!
I've been out a lot recently/ better weather/ I'm going to the gym everymorning. Making friends finally. (too bad I'm just meeting them now)
Anyway, my Ah says to me
"You did your hair and your nails, now your never home! What are you too good for me now?!"
He was trying to make it out like a joke. But I know, if it was a joke, I wouldn't have been so afraid all this time to get out there and start living!
So sad really. Now that my world has become technicolor again, all I see when I look at him and his world is a bunch of fuzzy black and white images.
Thankks for listening!