wanttobehealthy

Surprise surprise...

AH showed up (he picked our girls up since I am supposed to be laying low and I agreed to have him do this) and lurked around til they went to bed. I didn't "kick him out" instantly since I figured it was harmless that he stay for a bit and I just didn't interact with him.

I put the girls to bed and sat down to read. He sat down next to me and said "is there anything you want to talk about?" I said no and asked him if he had anything he felt like talking to me about (knowing FULL well where this was headed- stupid me for engaging in it at all). He said no, not really and then rambled about how concerned he is for me (not) and wanted to know if there was anything I was worried about that I wanted to share with him (trap). He also managed to toss in how "glad" he's been to help with x, y, z and rattled off all the parenting responsibilities he's helped with while I was in the hospital and looked at me waiting for praise. I said no thanks to the "offer" to talk and went back to reading (smart).

A number of sighs and foot taps later he brings up where he's staying and pretends that last nights conversation didn't happen (a conversation about the fact that he is staying elsewhere and that's that).

I reminded him that when I'd left our house with the girls many many weeks ago he encouraged us to return and said he would leave and told me that he had many options and would NOT try to weasel his way back in to the house by having this very type of conversation. We have now had this conversation twice and twice I've reminded him that he CHOSE willingly to go elsewhere and needed to stick with it. I told him again that his staying here was not good for any of us bc it would make it hard for he and I both to focus solely on our recovery. I even went so far as to say that I felt I was the one who would make it hard for us both if we were here together bc when we are together I focus too much on him and expect too much and create a lot of the tension that exists between us. I told him I was not pushing him away and wanted to see this as a time for me to heal and hopefully he could see it that way too (maybe I should've left that part out?)

He then said "well I see this as more of a cooling off period for our marriage" and added "I am finding the more I focus on myself the less I care about our marriage". I told him I did not see this the same way but appreciated hearing his perspective. I said I saw it as a time to focus on me and my recovery and if he didn't intend to do the same then I did not see anything changing anytime soon between us; ie: him moving back in.

He is adamant about making this into a marriage issue and when I was nonchalant about the whole thing (bc in the past when he makes remarks about how it's a marriage issue I flip out and get upset) he changed his tune and started telling me how I have no idea about all the changes he's making (he's right bc there are none occurring) at step meetings, in therapy and in his outpatient rehab program. I reminded him he'd been to the outpatient program twice and said I was glad he felt he was making changes and repeated that I'd base my opinion on the actions I saw (walking the walk vs talking the talk). He did not like that and told me that the tone of the conversation was aggressive and I was too confrontational. I told him I was sorry he felt that way.

Then he told me he was eager to be elsewhere bc it was really peaceful to be away from me and told me the only reason he struggled to be reliable at home with me was bc I viewed him as a liability and made him feel awful about himself so it didn't "inspire" him to be the stand up guy he is everywhere else. I informed him that I was not responsible for his level of inspiration. Then he continued trying to spin the conversation to make it sound like he was the one who was gung ho about being separated all along.

My head was spinning at this point.

Cliff notes version as I interpreted this -- tell me what you think:
1. H wants to see if I'll agree to have him stay since he knows I am worried about my health and "vulnerable" and tries to take advantage of this
2. I don't give in
3. He tries to talk AT me telling me how changed he is and how the problems all stem from our marriage
4. I politely point out that I see it differently
5. He pulls away (fear of abandonment kicking in-- he has been diagnosed with BPD fyi-- so he pulls away and acts disinterested first bc he fears being rejected? sadly he doesn't see that the LAST thing i am doing is rejecting him--- being apart is the only hope i feel we have to be able to come back together-- he just doesn't get it or doesn't want to) and tries to make it seem as if being with me is torture and that he's been happy about the notion of being apart all along.

I am ready to change the locks just so I don't have to keep going around this circle with him. ENOUGH ALREADY.

And no, the house belongs to both of us so I can not actually change the locks.

He is gone and I know, I know, if this conversation seems to come up again I should just ignore it and not engage.

I did do well all things considered I think. I didn't get upset, emotional or take a lot of his baiting remarks that I normally would.

If he spent half the energy on his "recovery" that he spent trying to convince me and himself that the "real" problem is our marriage and that he is SOOOOOO engaged in recovery, he might actually accomplish something.

How does someone who thinks they are taking this seriously ever see that they aren't even on the same planet as step 1?!

My T tells me that people at AA don't call one another on their bs and accept folks where they are at. Sounds pretty enabling to me. My H is a GREAT bs artist so I am sure he's got lots of people (who don't actually know him) convinced that he's Mr. AA. Too bad he's lying to himself most of all.

I'm so fed up.