Thanks for the good thoughts.
I wish that were me surfing, I do love the ocean, but have never been able to surf. I'm only a few hours from the beach, and I might try to do that tomorrow, as I don't have to work.
I wish I thought the problem was the job, I could always just quit that, but it is life in general. I have no interest in anything at all, not even my video games, and I've been an avid gamer going back to the Atari 2600 days. I turn my Xbox on and don't even care about playing anything. I'm pretty sure the meds are the problem, as I'm on a half dozen of them, but there doesn't seem to be anything, short of checking back into the mental ward, that I can do about it. I've been hospitalized 3 times, and while I understand it's not really meant to be a stay at the Hilton, the last time was particularly bad. I have sleep issues (tried Ambien and Lunesta, they don't do anything for me) and the beds in the ward inflate and deflate continually (I guess either to prevent bed sores or if not completely crazy, to drive us there). The whole week I was there I was exhausted, uncomfortable, and generally found it to be not helpful. It did keep me from killing myself, it's lone saving grace, I suppose.
So I don't know what to do. Even if I could get in with a therapist, I don't think that's going to help. I need to somehow feel better. I've attempted suicide before, and it wasn't the "crying out for help" kind of attempt. It was the "I want to be dead" kind, that was foiled only through what I can only describe as "an act of God". And I am agnostic. I don't want to get to that point again, but I know the signs and am headed down that path. I've got a 10 year old son that I need to be around for. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be like this. I just don't know what to do about it.
I live with my parents (I have since my suicide attempt) so at least I think I'm in a "safe" place. I think I could deal with how I am feeling if there was at least some kind of "plan" to get better, but a doctors appointment a month and a half away just isn't cutting it. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Thanks again for everyone's comments and support.