When we look back on the chaos we lived with, it's easy to look back after we leave the A's in our life and think "No, it wasn't that bad.
To me, whenever I thought this, it was a case of me redrawing my boundaries - they were getting further away from what I said was unacceptable and that showed EXABF that it was OK to keep on the way he was-no recovery, no direction, just the status quo of what our relationship was.
I sat last night looking at my daybook at what I had written after my final split with EXABF and thought to myself that it was the same pattern as before-he binges (usually every 3 months or so), says nasty things, we retreat to our corners, he sobers up and apologizes, I relent and the whole cycle begins again.
This time, it was different-I detached totally, going no contact. It was (and still is) hard not to respond to the emails, not to pick up the phone, try and hash it all out (yet again) but as FindingPeace says, they are our addiction and we have to break free of that addiction once and for all, to do whatever it takes. Of course I still think of him - is he still drinking, is he still working, but the thoughts aren't as obsessive as they once were. One day at a time - if I can get though each day with less and less obsessive thoughts, that's a plus for me.
Since I walked away, I have done things around my house that I had been putting off for such a long time - things I could never focus on because I was too focused on his issues, on whether we could spend time together, how he was feeling, was he drinking, all things that I have no power on but could not let go of.
I picked up my books for school, booked my mom's trip out to see me, bought a sofabed and coffee table, arranged for my yard to be cleaned up and spruced up-did a clean out of clothes, books, etc. for donation-all things that I could never keep my mind on because I was to focused on the A.
It's strange to focus just on yourself - needs, wants, things that have to be done and while it may sound selfish to some, to me, it is a freeing feeling to be good to myself-to read a book when I want and not have one ear on the phone, not having to worry whether he will cancel out on plans, things like that.
Yes, I do miss him, I still love him and it's those weak moments when I think that no, things weren't that bad. Then, reality kicks in-the cycle of sober & remorseful and binge and nastiness. No program for him, nothing worked and he can do it on his own. It is a case of tough love toward him and self care for me that brings me back to reality.