My health
I spent part of this past week hospitalized. I haven't said a word about this to anyone other than my kids of course who knew I wasn't home. I am ashamed of being "weak" I guess and trying to keep it a secret.
I've had these weird fluttery chest pains and lightheadedness for about a year and on Sat night I had a really bad episode of it. Tingling down both arms, fell down bc I was so dizzy, difficulty breathing etc... I thought it was a panic/anxiety attack issue. Turns out, after being hooked up to every monitor known to mankind that there's some abnormal patterns to my heartrate. It fluctuates between racing and my blood pressure dropping dramatically (thus the dizzy feeling) to my heart rate slowing dangerously and my blood pressure spiking.
I had a bunch of EKG's, a chest xray, have a portable heart monitor that is connected to 911 somehow so that if something happens and I can't call 911 myself, this monitor somehow signals 911 to come...
So, last night after being released from the hospital on Fri and then having to return Sat night and being released on Sun morning, my AH said he was staying at the house last night in case something happened. I didn't argue.
This morning I got up planning to go to work. I got up, woke AH up, told him he probably should get up and get ready too, then I got dressed fast, got both girls up, started breakfast for the girls, started to make lunches etc... All the while AH is making coffee and sitting drinking some and DOING NOTHING TO HELP.
Finally, as D3 was fussing about her clothing and I was still doing 100 things all at once with no help, I said to AH "could you PLEASE help me out here?!"
That was all I said.
That one remark resulted in a tirade. Being told I am an unreaosonable b*itch, how he can't wait to get the hell out from under my nazi thumb, insulted and swore at me in front of the girls, even D5 told him to stop and he looked at me and said "see what you're causing!?". Normally I'd defend myself, argue back etc... This morning I just stayed calm and asked him to please stop. At one point he told me to "worry about yourself" and I told him I was but that when he worried just about himself and did not help out with the girls and morning duties, it put a lot of stress on me that I can't deal with right now. That made him blow his top. Not sure why.
I have told him umpteen million times that I understand in the first 12 months of recovery (which I don't consider him even a part of-- he is not in recovery at all from what I can tell) he needs to focus on nothing but himself and not have many expectations placed on him. I've said I understand that. But I told him BEFORE he decided to stay last night to "help" me bc of my health issues, that if he was going to be at the house, he needed to ask himself whether hew able to pitch in. I said I didn't need him to stay, didn't expect him to, but that if he did stay then he needed to contribute and help.
I think that he just used my health issues as an excuse to stay at the house and treat it like the hotel with maid service he thinks it is. I stupidly thought his offer to stay was a "let me stay to help and let me stay so that if something happens to you & you have to go back to the hospital the girls will have someone to take care of them in the morning". But that was naive huh? His offer to stay was clearly a self serving move. Now when he has to leave again and can't stay indefinitely he can use his tantrum this morning as justification to blame me for his misery....
I am SO tired of this. I am tired of it all the time but right now I am freaking out bc I have a SERIOUS health issue going on and even with that he can't stop being a narcissist.
Ugh.