Thread: Now what???
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Old 04-10-2011, 06:53 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
ItsmeAlice
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I went through a lot of these types of conversations over the years with my EXABF.

Whenever his drinking would hit a high, we would fight about all the things his drinking caused. The biggest topic was his abusive behavior towards me and our pets. All I ever wanted for him to quit drinking.

He would go through a phase of abstinence or some concocted plan of controlled drinking and all the while he waited for the right excuse to binge. I lived in dread of saying or doing the wrong thing and causing him to start up again.

Just as your AH has said, if I was negative about anything, he would argue that if the big problem was supposed to be his drinking why was I complaining if he had quit. All the problems should be solved and I should have nothing but rainbows and sunshine to spread every day.

For example, I once grumbled under my breath that I forgot to buy laundry detergent at the store. He heard me, yelled that if I expected him to go to the store after work to get it that I was just setting him up to buy beer and start drinking. He ranted for a good few minutes then stormed out for work. I never got a word in edgewise that morning and he never did answer my calls. Wouldn't you guess he stopped at the store after work, bought a case of beer, got drunk before he got home, stumbled in arguing that I made him go there for detergent and it screwed him over and he was back to drinking. When I got a word in that time, I asked about the detergent. He told me he forgot it and then promptly passed out.

When I found recovery I learned that NONE of it was about the booze. It was about me feeling mistreated. It was about me living as the constant excuse for his bad behavior. I had to stop caring if he drank or not because he was going to do exactly what he felt like doing and if he felt like drinking he would.

I had to set boundaries. I learned about those in recovery, too, along with detachment.

The next time he tried to engage and argue with me, I detached and my boundaries kicked in and I maneuvered out of the situation. When he tried to apologize and tell me how it was the booze talking and he would stop drinking if I asked, I told him I didn't care if he drank or not, and truly meant it. It was his choice. What I cared about was how I was treated. He had to decide if he was capable treating me with respect and what it would take to do that. If I continued to feel mistreated, I would decide what is best for me to do about it without discussion with him.

This was a turning point for both of us. It put all the choices back where they belong. Me and my recovery choices and he and his.

This is part of acceptance. This is part of understanding the root of addiction. It isn't about the substance, it's about the person using them.

Incidentally, my EXABF's pot use increased dramatically after this discussion occurred. I still ponder if he was trying to counteract the rage his binge drinking brought on rather than consider giving up the booze and rather than get to the root of his real problems leading to the abuse.

I hope my ESH offers some help.

Alice
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