putmeontheair

I messed up. I browned out or whatever it is called for the Al-Anon.

I started off without anger. He hadn't talked to me in almost 24 hours and I went downstairs with one simple question after considering it for much of the day. Based on his actions, based on our therapy appointment the night before, based on what his therapist said and what he said, how could he want to be with someone so critical, so judgmental? So I went downstairs and asked "do you want to be with me?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Things might be bad now, but I don't think they will always be this way. I am early in my recovery."

I guess I needed to get it off my chest. I got angry. I told him how I felt. Betrayed, lied to, taken advantage of. Understandably, he didn't like hearing it.

"Just go ahead, lay down all your anger ... Tell me why you hate me." I took the bait and gave him about 15 things I hate him for.

Shouldn't have done it. Dammit.

He left. Spent money at Starbucks. Went to his meeting. I wrote him a letter. It was truthful. It was honest. I used I statements for the most part. I wanted him to understand how I was feeling in a raw form. I told him about the man I had fallen in love with. The ambitious one who used to drive 40 miles round-trip just to see me for 20 minutes. The one who was there when my father died. The one who was vulnerable with me and knew that I could hurt him emotionally but it was worth it for him to share anyway. I told him I missed that man and I wanted him back, but if he wasn't him anymore or had no hope to get back there, then I needed to go. It isn't a threat, it is just the truth.

I have no idea if he read it. He came home. I walked downstairs and said exactly this:

"I am sorry for the way I acted tonight. I am struggling right now and it is not fair to take it out on you."

"All right."

He went to bed much later than me. Woke up this morning and went to his work meeting and then AA. I leave on my business trip tomorrow.

Ball is in his court. I have done what I can. I have been honest. I didn't necessarily do it like I should have, but the past is the past.

Ball is in RAH's court now. Off to read Al-Anon stuff. I have so much to learn. I didn't like myself last night ... The way I acted.

Thanks for letting me share.